Getting closer to crossing some things off.

A couple of developments.

I have a feeling I had three stories to tell, but right now I can only think of two...

There is a girl I work with who is incredibly sexy, and there has always been a flirtatious chemistry between us, but as far as I know, she is straight.

However, a while ago I brought one of my exes to a work party (purely as a friend). He picked up on the chemistry and half-jokingly told her to kiss me. She grabbed my face and planted a soft kiss on my lips, but that was all. I thought nothing of it.

Then, a few weeks ago, at yet another work party, she kept coming up and grinding on me as we danced. Again, I thought nothing of it, she's a very sexual person and girls grind all the time, right?

Right, until she comes up behind me, puts her arms around my waist, and begins to grind me from behind. She then grabs my hand and brings it around to her ass. Her hand is on top of mine, and she is squeezing it down onto her ass, so I take to liberty to begin feeling her up as she grinds against me.

Eventually, I turn around to face her, and in a heated moment, we kiss. So passionately, so intensely. It was as if the whole time we've known each other we'd been building up to this moment, and it got to a point where we could not wait any longer. In front of all our work friends, we made out on the dance floor, and it was quite possibly the hottest kiss I have ever experienced.

And that was that. To this point I still can't figure out what it meant to her, or what she wants. But if I get the chance to go further with her, believe me I will.

Story number two, and I believe you'll like this one! I've been on three very successful dates... with a gorgeous, busty... stripper!

She is a total fireball, and we get along so well! The first time we went out she asked me back to her place, but I chickened out- I'm a virgin again, and I got massive stage-fright! The last time I saw her she also tried to get me to go back to her house, but it's hard being single and living at home, especially seeing that my parents don't know I'm bi yet. So I promised that next time we meet up, I would have an alibi.

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that hopefully by my next post, I will have lost my les-ginity!
She's gorgeous, and a total fox, I have a feeling the chemistry in the bedroom will be pretty phenomenal.

Last time we went out we ended up in a bar with a small room with nothing but couches and low lighting. We were the only ones in there, and we had to leave eventually because it just got too heated, we were like two high school girls, we just couldn't keep our hands off one another.

And my third story, which I know remember, and don't understand how I forgot it- talking to this girl about stripping, which I've considered in the past (as I believe most girls do at some point) but never looked into because I had all these preconceptions about it... I've realised that all the impressions I've had were in fact quite wrong. She loves her job, and she strips because she feels confident in her body, not because something is missing in her life. It also seems easier than I thought to stay out of the dark side of the industry, like the sex for money, and the drugs, and the amount of money she makes is completely unbelievable....

So, and I'm sure you can guess what I'm about to say- I have an interview at a strip club on Tuesday! I wasn't going to do it until I started getting fitter, but a friend at work said she wants to do it with me, and looked up a place that's recruiting, so we're going to go together to have a look! It will be interesting to check out, even just to see what it's like. They have so many perks, the girls get free food and a hairdresser and masseuse and solarium, it's insane! But it's a rather high end club so I don't know if I'll get a job, but it will at least be interesting to look into!

I have a feeling I might find it fun, but it also may not be for me, so I'll just suss it out and see... I am very unfit though so we'll so how I go.

My friends have all been very supportive though and most have said they'd considered it, and I was so surprised this work friend wanted to come along with me!
So I'm excited, even if it just turns out to be a fun story and experience.

That's all for now, I will keep you posted on Tuesday, and on my next date, which should hopefully end in some lady loving! :D

Updating the bucket list.

So I've managed to cross off webcam sex off my Single Bucket List, and I also have a new addition.

I decided that webcam sex might be a good way to relax me and help me get to a point where I can allow someone else to bring me to orgasm eventually. So I asked a friend who lives overseas if he'd watch me. It was a lot of fun, and totally exhilarating. Very nerve-wracking, but he and I have always had a strong chemical connection, and have been exchanging photos and dirty talk for almost a year now.

Unfortunately the internet connection cut out, so I didn't orgasm while he watched, but I kept going and recorded it for him, and came while recording myself, which I've never been relaxed enough to do before, so I figure it was a step in the right direction. :)

With that one crossed off, another ambition takes its place.

Tonight was the warmest night we've had in a long time here, bearing in mind it's still winter. I went for a long walk by the riverside in the city, and as my mind wandered I decided I want to make myself cum in public.

So I'm adding this to my list.

On a warm night, I'm going to wear a skirt, walk down to the riverside, take off my underwear, cover my legs with a jacket just in case anyone walks by too closely, and fuck myself with my vibrator until I cum.

I'm actually getting really wet just thinking about it, I can't wait until the weather is warmer! Someone asked me the other night where the most interesting place I've had sex is, and other than the back room of my old workplace I couldn't really think of anywhere. So that got me thinking that I'd like to be more adventurous with the places I have sex, the idea of being semi-public really turns me on. And since I don't have a regular sexual partner at the moment, I figure I might as well get the ball rolling by myself!
I think it's a brave and exciting thing to do, and totally fucking hot.

So this brings the current items on my list to:

-Have sex with a woman

-Have a threesome

-Work on becoming relaxed enough to allow others to bring me to orgasm

-Work on being content being by myself and not feeling the need to be in a couple

-Videotape myself having sex

-Make myself cum outdoors in the city

Lastly, I just wanted to tell a story of a guy I slept with about three years ago, just before I met my ex. I was reminiscing before.

I used to take one-on-one singing lessons. I was quite good if I may say so, in fact my singing teacher was always using me as an example to other students.

There was a boy whose class always overlapped with mine. Our teacher would always call me into the room when he had a few minutes left to go, in order to ask me to give him some demonstrations of how I did things.

I was always incredibly attracted to him- he had a cool demeanour, an air of nonchalance that was incredibly alluring. His blonde hair was casually swept across his face.

Turns out he had done quite a lot of work in a popular New Zealand TV show, which increased the appeal, too. Anyway, I'd only ever see him oh-so-briefly in class, and I never thought he looked at me twice.

Then one night, after I got back from three months travelling overseas, I was out drunk at a club, and stumbled into him. He picked me up in his arms and spun me around, drunk as I was, maybe more. He admitted he'd always had a crush on me, and I couldn't believe my luck. We kissed like there was no tomorrow that night, and then I went home with my friends.

I ended up going on a date with him a week or so later. We went to a rooftop bar, and talked and laughed and got tipsy, and I went back to his place. He lived on the twenty-somethingth floor of an apartment in the city. He had a great big window where a wall should be, looking down onto a glistening nighttime Melbourne.

We had great sex, twice, and he left for Europe not long after.

I hope I can find someone fun and wild with whom to have some crazy, uninhibited times very soon.

I want to explore someone's body and personality, take risks and try new things.

A sleeplessly perfect night.

In my next entry I will have to write about my list, as I have successfully crossed of webcam sex, with a friend, who was in fact the person I had in mind when I wrote that on my list. But before that, I want to write about a Kiwi boy.


So I went interstate for a while, with a few friends, just to get away. A week in another city was just what the doctor ordered. I'd been losing my head a little, and it helped to get away.

And of course, I have a story.

Ok, maybe two.

The first is short, and just an update, I suppose. I met with one of the guys I befriended (and "orgied") with when I was overseas earlier in the year. I slept with him, drunk, in the bottom bunk in a hostel room with three or four other people in there.

Not one of my finest moments.

And I had to escape out the fire exit the next day, because I couldn't be seen by anyone at the front desk seeing as I wasn't a guest at that particular hostel.

It was pretty hilarious, especially when housekeeping came in and my friend had left so it was just me and his roommates, and housekeeping was asking me all these questions about who was sleeping in which bed and what belonged to whom. I pretty much just nodded and shrugged while throwing on my clothes, then just bolted right down that fire escape!

Out of four nights spent away, only one of them was spent in my own bed.

The first night was spent at a long-lost friend's place, which was really lovely. The second night was the one described above. The third was in my bed, and it was so uncomfortable I swore not to sleep in it again!

Which leads me to the final night.
When I experienced something that I have never really felt before. In essence, a one-night-stand, but one that felt like so much more. I have never connected so deeply with someone in such a short amount of time. Not since I was with my ex, anyway. And never on this level.

I was lying on the couch in the common room, singing to the music playing in my headphones, and he struck up a conversation. He is from New Zealand, and had a gorgeously subtle accent that I found incredibly sexy. It was his first day in the city. We got talking for a while, and when I was about to head out to have dinner, he asked to give me his number. I said I'd give him mine, so we exchanged digits and I went out. I didn't really expect to hear from him, but he sent me a couple of texts throughout the night. It didn't end up looking like we would cross paths though, and I had resolved to sleeping on my lumpy mattress again, when I got a message at around 4:00am while I was still out. He said that he didn't feel like coming out to dance, but that if I felt like it I could have a beer in his room when I got back.

So just before 5:00 in the morning I met him in the common room of our hostel, and ended up in his room. He had a single room, just the one bed. It began with me sitting on the floor, and him on a stool, and we just started to talk. We instantly clicked and the conversation just flowed. I don't think either of us expected to get along so well, every now and then he'd smile and say he was having fun. We were both pleasantly surprised.

Eventually he went to the bathroom, so I relocated to his bed, and when he came back he sat next to me. We just kept talking, and eventually, completely organically and naturally, yet also out of the blue, he kissed me. He was a remarkable kisser, soft and gentle but passionate. Used his lips well, and knew exactly when to use what amount of tongue. It was a short kiss, and then we continued talking, almost as if nothing had happened.

I lay on his lap for a while as we talked, then turned back on to my stomach, and we began to kiss again. It was intimate and it was sensual, and I've never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. He took his time with me as we slowly explored one another's bodies, discovering what the other likes. He slowly undressed me, which was a big turn-on. It has been a while since a man was taken the time to study my body as he takes off my clothes, often I am asked to take them off myself, or they are just ripped off in the heat of the moment. But this was different. He let me undress him too, which I found a huge turn-on, it's so much sexier when I have control of when my man's clothes come off, and also not to have the pressure of a man stripping himself down when he pleases- it felt good that he left how much clothing he was wearing completely up to me.

He had a great body, and a smile that could light up the darkest night. We laughed and kissed and had sex that was on a whole new level from anything I have experienced to this day. Those of you who have read my blog for a while know that I am not necessarily the romantic type, and I like a good, hard, raw, senseless fucking.

But this was gentle. I mean, it was rough, in its own way, and I asked him to spank me, to which he responded slightly hesitantly but then really seemed to have fun with it, which was great. But all of it just seemed to be about being in one another's company and enjoying each other's body and presence.

There was one point where we simply lay in each other's arms, face to face, eyes closed with lips touching, just feeling each other's breath. It was incredibly intense.

We didn't sleep at all that night, and by 10:00am I had to go check out of the hostel. He asked me to come back, which surprised me, because I'm not used to being wanted the morning after a one-night stand. I told him this, and he told me, with a hint of pleasant surprise in his voice, that he actually liked me. When I came back he was asleep, so I went out with my friend to get some breakfast and walk about the city one last time.

I got back at 12:30pm and he was still asleep. I felt bad waking him, so I just told him I would get my jacket from his room and leave. He looked at me, perplexed, and asked why I would leave. Again, I told him I didn't want to stay floating around and annoy him, and he simply moved over in the bed and told me he wanted a nap-buddy.

We didn't nap though, just talked and laughed and told stories and listened to music and had sex and kissed and held hands and spooned. It was 3:00pm by the time we emerged from that room, and I left for the airport an hour later, having been awake for 29 hours.

I got home, and I cried- partly because I was so exhausted, and partly because I was shaken by the experience- something so perfect, and so extremely rare. I was convinced that I would never hear from him again, nor ever find a connection as strong and beautiful.

Of course, the next morning I awoke to a text message from him, and laughed at how I had over-reacted. We have been in touch every now and then, and I did in fact ask him to consider coming to Melbourne sometime to spend a weekend with me. He said that maybe in a couple of months when he has settled into his new job he might make it down this way.

Part of me says maybe I should just let it remain an unblemished memory, but I do truly hope to see him again someday. I believe that what we experienced was very real, and even if nothing works out in the future, I would like to know that we had a chance to try and discover whether there really is something there, or whether our little affair was just a beautiful side effect of a holiday drenched in intoxicated passion and raw human energy- pure and true for that one night.

A new epiphany- a step in the right direction?

Another emotional entry for tonight. I need to vent.

I called the ex the other day.

No agenda, just to say hi, and have a chat. I guess I wanted to make sure that we would be able to talk. To check that we're ok.

It was fine, it was nice to hear his voice, and he said he was glad to hear from me. I asked if we are ok, and he said he's never have a reason to hate me.

And that's when I realised- it doesn't actually matter.

I've been so concerned about us ending on good terms, and being able to have friendly chats. But as he told me he would never hate me, something resonated inside me, and I realised that's completely irrelevant, it's of no use to me.

I don't want him to "not hate" me. What good will that do? When someone asks about his ex-girlfriend and he says "I don't hate her", what the fuck good will that do me? It leaves me nowhere.

And that was the moment that I finally understood what has happened.

We've broken up.

It happened a year ago, but it took that moment for me to actually realise that I really have lost him.

This was my first breakup. I have found it so impossible to understand that someone can be such a huge part of your life, and then all of a sudden it's all gone. I didn't believe it. I thought that there must always be some kind of connection, after sharing so much surely that can't all just end?

But apparently it does.

Our relationship will always mean something, hopefully to the both of us, but that's just it- it was what it was, and now we're both going to move on, and find other people, and eventually settle with someone else, and chances are we won't even have a clue what the other is doing.

I don't understand it, I guess no one really does.

A part of me is also really angry. When I last spoke to him about us, when we were still sleeping together, I showed him some letters I had written him, and really opened up about a lot.

I got nothing in return.

I sent him an email after ending it saying exactly that, and that I wanted some answers to some things, and he told me he'd reply, that I deserved to talk about whatever I wanted.

I never got that reply.

I feel that he strung me along after our breakup, and although I don't believe he ever intended on hurting me, when I let him know he had he just seemed to pretend I'd never said anything.

It was easier to turn away than to face me.

And by God that hurts.

Hearing his voice the other day made me realise that what he had is actually, truly gone.

The love is truly not there anymore, and there is no more reason to have any sort of meaningful contact.

Any connection with the man I have loved so deeply for three years is now completely obsolete.

I know this is a healthy realisation, because I'll finally cut the cord and say goodbye.

I guess I'm going to have to learn to be content with the fact that we had a "clean" break up. Instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn't love me, I'm supposed to be glad that he doesn't hate me.

And to be honest, that completely fucking blows.

A story for the soul.

At the start of the year, I went on a holiday. I went with some friends from high school, and it was just the escape I needed.

There was lots of sunshine, swimming, drinking, dancing and meeting new people.

And I managed to cross off quite possible the most intense sexual experience of my life to date- a situation that I highly doubt I will ever spontaneously find myself in again.

It's amazing when things just happen to fall into place. For so long I've wanted to have a threesome, but haven't been able to achieve it, even when meeting with people from websites purely with that in mind.

Again, I'm going to be skimming over a few details leading up to the event- because I was seeing my ex before I left. We weren't in a committed relationship, but I do still feel guilty about the fact that I slept with anyone while he was in my life. In fact after the fact I spent most of the rest of my trip in this empty, desolate state where I couldn't really communicate with anyone or feel anything.

Regardless, I feel lucky to have gained such a sexually open experience, and do want to share it with you all.

I was out alone this night, and made friends with some fellow travellers. Three men. There was a lot of drinking involved. In fact I was very adamant that I would not sleep with anyone on this trip before the drinks started flowing and we all got along, and there were girls dancing on poles, and everything was light up so brightly and the music was pumping and my blood was rushing and by the end of the night I was on a massive high. The night air was warm with sweat, and I ended up kissing one of the guys. The girls on the poles were working girls, and I knew these guys were planning on taking some of them home.

It started off as a playful bargaining ploy, I bargained the girls' prices up, trying to play the supportive woman role, or something I guess. But before I knew it I was back at the boys' hotel, playing the supportive role in the bathroom with the two girls, making sure they had their payment. Then I was on the bed, with the strongest, fittest, most sculpted, gorgeous man I have ever laid my hands on. And one of the girls. With another guy and girl in the bed next to us, and guy three on the sidelines.

Eventually, we all merged into one, and I found myself between girls, between guys- everything was a blur because of the adrenaline and ridiculous amounts of alcohol-  I didn't really know what body part belonged to whom, or who was doing what to which part of me, but it was incredibly. It was this whole energy of heat, spontaneity and raw, fierce, in-the-moment passion.

After a while the girls left, and I ended up proceeding to the shower with just one of the guys, the chiseled, tanned Adonis who just happened to be the one I had kissed before arriving at the hotel.

I left for my own hotel at around 5 or 6 in the morning, on the back of a motorbike taxi, and got up to catch a flight to another city the next day.

The immediate after-effects left me a shell of a person, but I have come to terms with what happened, and remind myself that, although morally this was not the right thing to do, it also wasn't entirely the wrong thing either, as my ex and I were not back together, and I guess seeing him again made me afraid and frustrated, because I could tell he still didn't love me, and I still do feel for him very deeply.

Anyway, that is the story of how I spontaneously and organically had a 6 person orgy, with a 1:1 ratio of male to female!

One point I would like to make, in regards to sexual health- the whole time, regardless of how drunk I was, I made sure that condoms were used by all the guys involved, and also that they were changed in between myself and the girls. As fun as this experience was, it is not something that should be taken lightly as it is not only sex with strangers, but sex with multiple strangers, and there was no reason for me to not take charge and ensure that I put my own health and safety first.



All other emotions aside, it's most definitely a story to tell!