A new epiphany- a step in the right direction?

Another emotional entry for tonight. I need to vent.

I called the ex the other day.

No agenda, just to say hi, and have a chat. I guess I wanted to make sure that we would be able to talk. To check that we're ok.

It was fine, it was nice to hear his voice, and he said he was glad to hear from me. I asked if we are ok, and he said he's never have a reason to hate me.

And that's when I realised- it doesn't actually matter.

I've been so concerned about us ending on good terms, and being able to have friendly chats. But as he told me he would never hate me, something resonated inside me, and I realised that's completely irrelevant, it's of no use to me.

I don't want him to "not hate" me. What good will that do? When someone asks about his ex-girlfriend and he says "I don't hate her", what the fuck good will that do me? It leaves me nowhere.

And that was the moment that I finally understood what has happened.

We've broken up.

It happened a year ago, but it took that moment for me to actually realise that I really have lost him.

This was my first breakup. I have found it so impossible to understand that someone can be such a huge part of your life, and then all of a sudden it's all gone. I didn't believe it. I thought that there must always be some kind of connection, after sharing so much surely that can't all just end?

But apparently it does.

Our relationship will always mean something, hopefully to the both of us, but that's just it- it was what it was, and now we're both going to move on, and find other people, and eventually settle with someone else, and chances are we won't even have a clue what the other is doing.

I don't understand it, I guess no one really does.

A part of me is also really angry. When I last spoke to him about us, when we were still sleeping together, I showed him some letters I had written him, and really opened up about a lot.

I got nothing in return.

I sent him an email after ending it saying exactly that, and that I wanted some answers to some things, and he told me he'd reply, that I deserved to talk about whatever I wanted.

I never got that reply.

I feel that he strung me along after our breakup, and although I don't believe he ever intended on hurting me, when I let him know he had he just seemed to pretend I'd never said anything.

It was easier to turn away than to face me.

And by God that hurts.

Hearing his voice the other day made me realise that what he had is actually, truly gone.

The love is truly not there anymore, and there is no more reason to have any sort of meaningful contact.

Any connection with the man I have loved so deeply for three years is now completely obsolete.

I know this is a healthy realisation, because I'll finally cut the cord and say goodbye.

I guess I'm going to have to learn to be content with the fact that we had a "clean" break up. Instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn't love me, I'm supposed to be glad that he doesn't hate me.

And to be honest, that completely fucking blows.