Dear Broken Heart

I just wrote a letter to my ex. I didn't write it to send to him- I wrote it to get it all out of my head.

I thought I might post it here, just to give you guys a little more insight to who I am, and why I do the things I do.

This blog helps me vent, and it's all to do with the break-up, so... here it is. My dear ex-boyfriend letter. But it's a condensed version- the actual thing is 1457 words- that's how long my essay has to be! Damn, if only I could submit that!

OK, here goes... Despite the sexual fantasies and naked pictures, this is actually the most revealing thing I have ever posted on the net.

ExBoyfriend,

Just typing your name is hard enough.

I'm not intending on ever giving you this letter. I'm writing it for myself.

What happened is not your fault, and you don't deserve to see how much I'm hurting.

It has been almost four months. I met a girl when I was out one night who told me it takes about four months to feel better. And at times I do. I'm having more ups than downs, and I'm proud of my strength in dealing with this break-up.

But I'm not myself without you. I'm still in love with you.

I guess I've been dealing with this in a few ways. I've done the drinking until I can't walk thing. I've done the sex thing. I've even joined bloody online dating sites, and I'm posting naked photos of myself on the internet to get attention. Please don't find any of my posts. I reckon that would make you sad. And that's the last thing I want, for you to be sad.

I wish I knew what the fuck happened with us. I can't imagine a better boyfriend than you, you treated me like an angel and never let me doubt myself.

But we weren't perfect. When I look back on us, there are things that I noticed but didn't think anything of. To be honest I never felt that you gave me the trust I deserved from you. I'm not saying you didn't trust me- I know you did. But I could always feel that there was a part of you that felt either that I didn't deserve you, or that I'd find someone better. I should have been more confrontational. I have no idea how you would have dealt if I had brought something like that up.

There were other things, towards the end, I suppose. Things that I ignored because I could tell you were going through a shitty time- that you were in a bad headspace. The more I think about it, although I still don't want to believe this, I think you did stop loving me. Well, you fell out of love with me anyway.

And I don't know how, and I don't know why, and I never thought that could happen so fucking fast. 

You stopped thinking about me. And that still fucking hurts.

I think you were in such a fucked up headspace that you just wanted to be alone, away from everything.

And that's what broke us up.

I remember coming over and talking about it. And you didn't really know what to say. You could always console me, but not this time.

That fucking hurt.

And I finally started to accept that things weren't right.

I still love you. I still miss you. It still fucking hurts and I'm torn to pieces. I'm coping, but I'm broken.

I've never been angry at you, but I am disappointed that you didn't open your eyes and see for yourself.

I never felt I could make you understand how much I cared.

I love you, and I always will, I think. I wish you every fucking best thing that could ever happen to anyone- please be happy, be successful, be healthy, and be happy again. Please, please, please find happiness and stability. I want you to be strong, and I want you to love yourself.

Because you're amazing, and you're such a big part of me that I barely know who I am without you- but if you find yourself, that will ease the pain.

I love you.