I kissed a girl.

Well, Thursday was a great night.

I was sick, so I slept all day, then got up and went to the city at 6:00 to meet the girl from the dating site. She was lovely, and we spoke heaps, but it was more of a "friend" thing, and I didn't feel an attraction to her.

After meeting with her, I went to a friend's house to start drinking for the night out at the gay club. We had some good talks, and it was great seeing him because I hadn't seen him in a long time.

We headed out to the club at around 11:00. It was a great night. There were lots of people I knew there, and I had lots of great random conversations with people. I always make quite a few friends when I'm out gay clubbing. I love dancing with randoms.

I'm not flowing very well right now, because I'm tired and still sick.

I was dancing like crazy at the club, and saw this girl looking at me. She was OK looking, but not someone I'd normally approach. Anyway, she had a lip ring and big boobs, win and win, so I gave her the eyes back, and kept dancing. She looked at me a few times and I looked back, and eventually she just reached over, grabbed my arm and pulled me over to her.

I danced with her, and we ended up making out for a while. It was great fun, I haven't made out with a girl in a long while, and I'd forgotten how much I do in fact enjoy it. It's such a different feeling, kissing a girl. We're so much softer than boys... I definitely need to hook up with girls more often.

I need to sleep with a woman.

I'd been texting the friend I've been sleeping with all night, and I told him I made out with a girl, and that it had made me even hornier. I ended up back at his place, at around 4:30am. We lay in bed and put on some lesbian porn, and fucked while it played. I've always wanted to have sex while watching porn. The ex and I were going to do that, but never did.

Just writing this makes me want to fuck again. But I can't booty call him every night... And he is sleeping with a fair few people, so I don't want to seem too reliant on him.

I really like the arrangement with him- we watched porn, fucked, then watched South Park and talked about other people we're fucking or wanting to fuck. It's very clear that we're just fuck buddies, which is so rare for it to actually work. It's great because we obviously care about each other, but not as anything more than friends.

He drove me home at 7:00am, and I slept most of Friday, too.

Then one of my friends came and picked me up on Friday night, and we went to an art exhibition, then a 21st. I didn't know anyone at the party, I went as my friend's +1. Luckily he didn't want to have a big night, and we were home by around 10:00. He came in to see my parents, and I was just so tired that he ended up tucking me in at 10:30, which was so sweet. I fell pretty much straight asleep.

Today I worked all day, and I'm at home now getting ready for another early night. Tomorrow I've been called in to work, so I won't be meeting the other online dating guy, but I asked him if we could reschedule to next week.

I had a few texts from the guy I went out with on Tuesday night. I've had a funny feeling about him since even before the date, and he just seemed way to keen. His texts just seemed far too much as well, and I decided to call it off before it got any further. I didn't want to hurt him, and it just seemed as though he wanted something far more serious than I did. I wasn't all that attracted to him either, and I kind of felt manipulated into agreeing to a second date in the first place.

I told him we shouldn't see each other again because I'm still hung up on my ex, which is not a complete lie. But I just didn't see it going anywhere good, I think better sooner rather than later with this guy, because I really couldn't imagine feeling any better about it, seeing as I felt uncomfortable about it from the start.

I miss my ex, but I've been feeling a lot stronger about it since writing that letter.
Need to find some more pussy though.

Oh also I texted the guy I met last Sunday, but he hasn't replied. Oh well, you can't win them all!

I'm on a high.

After I wrote that letter to the ex, I actually started feeling a lot better. I cried a lot, and I put into words some things that have sort of just been floating around my head for the past few months. So I was in a pretty good mindset to kick off the weekend.

And what a weekend it was.

I worked on Saturday, and then that night I went over to one of my best friend's house to have hot chocolate and cake with him, as he's coming out of a relationship at the moment too.

After we chatted for a good long time, we headed out to a friend's house party. It was a great night, most of our group was there, and we just relaxed and chatted about meaningless things, and laughed and danced until the early hours of the morning. I drank far more than I realised, but it was great. We got home at 5:00am and the birds were chirping. My friend slept over, and the next morning we went and got breakfast with two other friends who were at the party with us the night before. And then straight on to a local music festival!

So the whole of Sunday was spent at the festival, with friends, drinking and dancing. It was really warm and sunny for the first time in ages, and it was just such a great way to kick back and enjoy life.

The festival ended at 6:00, but the bars were still absolutely packed with bands and people playing all night long.

And this is where my weekend starts to get even more interesting.

I was in a pub, with my friends. And a girl started talking to me, and offered me some scotch from a bottle she had snuck into her bag. We were speaking for a long time, and eventually, this conversation took place:

Girl: I've always wanted to have sex with a woman. You're hot, I'd sleep with you.

Me: I'd sleep with you, too.

Girl: But I have a boyfriend.

Me: Too bad.

Girl: But he's given me permission to sleep with women.

Me: It doesn't have to be just you and me.

Girl: What do I do now? I can't just take your number for sex!
Me: Here's my card. You can stalk me on Facebook and decide what to do.

And then she left.

It was unbelievable- I can't believe I found myself in that situation! I need to get out more so I'm offered more threesomes!! Hahaha. I doubt she'll call, because she was pretty drunk. But it was a bit of a confidence booster, and gave my friends a good laugh.

Almost simultaneously to this happening, this absolutely gorgeous 28 year old man was talking to me. He was almost a male version of me, in that he was extremely forward and open about things. We were talking for a while and then he said "we are flirting, aren't we?". Which I found quite confronting, surprisingly enough- because that's the kind of thing that I say to people!

Anyway, we got on like a house on fire, even though I don't really like that expression. And he was funny, and easy to talk to...and pretty darn sexy.

At the end of the night, he asked to trade numbers, and we did. And then I made sure I got a sneaky kiss out of him as he was leaving.

I really hope he calls, because he was great fun, attractive, and I want more than just a sneaky kiss. If I don't hear from him by the end of the week, I'm going to contact him myself.

At around 10:00pm a few of us went back to two of my friends' apartment and got high. It was one of the best nights of my life- because all of us were on an incredibly good high, and just laughed and laughed until around 3:00am.

I stayed the night and the next morning went to breakfast again with my two friends whose apartment it is.

So we are on to Monday now. Most of the day I just spent shopping and doing routine things. Then went to our regular pub with my group. It wasn't as huge a group as sometimes, only the really dedicated people showed up after our big weekend.

The friend that I've been sleeping with was there, working behind the bar. I left at close, around midnight, but he had to stay back another hour to clean. So I went to McDonalds with two friends, and we hung out in the car for a while.
Came back home, one of my friends dropped me off, and he ended up coming in to chat. We had a really great DnM in my room, was great to talk about things with someone I don't usually speak to that much about things that matter. I feel I've made lots of new good friends these past few months.

He hung out with me until my fuck-buddy came round, as I'd texted him from the car telling him to come over after work.

I felt bad ditching my friend for him, but I wasn't intending on asking him in, we just got talking. I promised him next time we will talk properly.

Anyway, about the sex.

It was great.

It was hot, and it was dirty.

And it was anal!

I wasn't intending on doing that with him, that's something I only thought I'd actually do with someone I'm in a relationship with, as it can go so wrong... But it didn't.

We were 69-ing, on our sides, and he was pushing my head all the way down onto his cock, which I fucking love, and I was really turned on at this stage. And he spat on my ass, which actually turned me on even more. And as he ate my pussy, he fingered me in the ass. Which just got me hornier and hornier. And then he ordered me to bend over, so I did, and his cock was so wet from my saliva that he was able to fuck me in the ass without any lube. It hurt at first, he has a really girthy cock. But it was actually surprisingly good, once we got into the rhythm of it.

I've done anal before, but the guy had a thin cock, and he never lasted long, so it wasn't that great.
But this was fun.

Of course I will always prefer being fucked in the pussy, but there was something just so raw and dirty and taboo and animalistic about this... And I played with my clit while he fucked me, and he came really fucking hard. He'd never done anal before.

He didn't stay over, because I still live with my parents, and they are starting to cotton on to us...

And Tuesday- again a pretty routine day. But I went on a date at night, with one of the guys from Speed Dating. I didn't really want it to be a date, in all honesty, I just wanted to make a friend. But I ended up back at his place, but I didn't sleep with him, I made it clear I wouldn't. We just walked along the beach. We did make out, and it was good. But he seemed very keen, and very affectionate. And I'm not in the place to get into a relationship, and I have a feeling he's going to want more than just casual...

Also I'm not really that attracted to him... I mean, there was chemistry when we kissed, but I just wasn't fully into it, I suppose.

Anyway, so that's my week so far, pretty much. Today I just stayed home, and I'm home tonight too.

I made out with three people in three days. And I might be meeting a girl from the dating site tomorrow night for coffee. I'm definitely going gay clubbing tomorrow night with some friends too. And on Sunday I'm meeting another guy from the dating site during the day.

I'm feeling good. And so long as I'm very clear with everybody about my intentions- casual sex, friends with benefits, seeing lots of different people- then no one should get hurt. That's my biggest issue with the guy I met with last night, I feel he's going to get attached. But if I see him again another couple of times, I'm going to have to be very clear that this will be short-term, because aside from not wanting a relationship, I can see myself losing interest in this guy pretty quickly, and I don't want to hurt him, because he seems to be a good person.

That's about it for now. I'm feeling good, and will post again after tomorrow- I really do hope to get some pussy soon.

Dear Broken Heart

I just wrote a letter to my ex. I didn't write it to send to him- I wrote it to get it all out of my head.

I thought I might post it here, just to give you guys a little more insight to who I am, and why I do the things I do.

This blog helps me vent, and it's all to do with the break-up, so... here it is. My dear ex-boyfriend letter. But it's a condensed version- the actual thing is 1457 words- that's how long my essay has to be! Damn, if only I could submit that!

OK, here goes... Despite the sexual fantasies and naked pictures, this is actually the most revealing thing I have ever posted on the net.

ExBoyfriend,

Just typing your name is hard enough.

I'm not intending on ever giving you this letter. I'm writing it for myself.

What happened is not your fault, and you don't deserve to see how much I'm hurting.

It has been almost four months. I met a girl when I was out one night who told me it takes about four months to feel better. And at times I do. I'm having more ups than downs, and I'm proud of my strength in dealing with this break-up.

But I'm not myself without you. I'm still in love with you.

I guess I've been dealing with this in a few ways. I've done the drinking until I can't walk thing. I've done the sex thing. I've even joined bloody online dating sites, and I'm posting naked photos of myself on the internet to get attention. Please don't find any of my posts. I reckon that would make you sad. And that's the last thing I want, for you to be sad.

I wish I knew what the fuck happened with us. I can't imagine a better boyfriend than you, you treated me like an angel and never let me doubt myself.

But we weren't perfect. When I look back on us, there are things that I noticed but didn't think anything of. To be honest I never felt that you gave me the trust I deserved from you. I'm not saying you didn't trust me- I know you did. But I could always feel that there was a part of you that felt either that I didn't deserve you, or that I'd find someone better. I should have been more confrontational. I have no idea how you would have dealt if I had brought something like that up.

There were other things, towards the end, I suppose. Things that I ignored because I could tell you were going through a shitty time- that you were in a bad headspace. The more I think about it, although I still don't want to believe this, I think you did stop loving me. Well, you fell out of love with me anyway.

And I don't know how, and I don't know why, and I never thought that could happen so fucking fast. 

You stopped thinking about me. And that still fucking hurts.

I think you were in such a fucked up headspace that you just wanted to be alone, away from everything.

And that's what broke us up.

I remember coming over and talking about it. And you didn't really know what to say. You could always console me, but not this time.

That fucking hurt.

And I finally started to accept that things weren't right.

I still love you. I still miss you. It still fucking hurts and I'm torn to pieces. I'm coping, but I'm broken.

I've never been angry at you, but I am disappointed that you didn't open your eyes and see for yourself.

I never felt I could make you understand how much I cared.

I love you, and I always will, I think. I wish you every fucking best thing that could ever happen to anyone- please be happy, be successful, be healthy, and be happy again. Please, please, please find happiness and stability. I want you to be strong, and I want you to love yourself.

Because you're amazing, and you're such a big part of me that I barely know who I am without you- but if you find yourself, that will ease the pain.

I love you.

Apologies for my long absence.

I've been busy. And also pretty satisfied. I write as an outlet so I don't tend to write as much when I'm content.

Well, I guess it's been so long that I can't really include too many details because I've forgotten a few things... I was going to break this down into a few entries so it's not too long, but I guess I can just skim over a few details. And include the juicy ones towards the end.....

I'll start off with my night out at the lesbian club. It was a great night. Neither my friend nor I picked up... But we had a great time. I met a cute girl, and I got the feeling she was into me. And I was hitting on her... And then suddenly I realised I thought she looked like me! So I actually freaked out and backed off, haha! I thought I was a narcissist, but apparently not quite! =P

Next- I did in fact sleep with my most recent "hook-up" friend. And it was great. He actually came over at around 2:00am one night. I was terrified, living at home, that my parents would figure out that I'd snuck him in. By the time I got him to my room my heart was pounding and the adrenaline was pumping. We fucked, and the chemistry was great. However it wasn't quite as rough as I would have liked... But I'm pretty certain that he just needs to warm up, get a bit more comfortable... Let go... He actually said he hoped he hadn't hurt me, and I responded with "if anything you didn't hurt me enough"...

I wasn't expecting him to stay the night, but he was intending on it. However, he had to go because his dad wanted to use the car.... And he was really apologetic about leaving, saying he didn't want to be "that guy". Which I thought was really lovely, but at the same time I kind of just wanted my bed to myself. =P But before he left, he ran his fingers down my body and we fucked again.

I've made a new online dating profile. It's not as filthy as the last site. But I don't particularly know if I want to meet anyone just yet. However I just saw someone I know on the site! Do I message him and make light of it, or pretend I never saw it? This is my biggest fear hahaha!!! Lucky I'm pretty open about all this so I don't mind people knowing I have the profile.

The next thing I should write about- SPEED DATING!

I went with one of my closest friends, and it was HILARIOUS! We had 19 six minute "dates", and you get to decide whether you want to be their friend, date, or nothing at all. My friend and I both ticked friend for pretty much everyone, and I ticked date for a couple... Which was funny, because we went all out- but it was also a little silly because that means that everyone who said that they wanted to be our friend or date, now has our details. That's about 14 people each. And we've both pledged to reply to everyone who contacts us.

Going to be interesting...

Lastly, before I go to bed- last night I went to a party and got drunker than I have ever been in my entire life. No exaggeration. A guy from online dating called me, and apparently I talk to him about threesomes... I haven't even met the guy yet! Oh my...

My fuck-friend ended up coming over, and the sex was indeed more "free" than last time... He fingered my ass while he fucked me, and I love that. Then in the morning we fucked again- it was so great to start the day with sex again.

Ok so maybe the details weren't quite as juicy as they could have been, but it's very late and I'm tired. I want to go make myself cum before bed....

I will aim to write something arousing for my next blog.

Meanwhile, I love this picture.