A new epiphany- a step in the right direction?

Another emotional entry for tonight. I need to vent.

I called the ex the other day.

No agenda, just to say hi, and have a chat. I guess I wanted to make sure that we would be able to talk. To check that we're ok.

It was fine, it was nice to hear his voice, and he said he was glad to hear from me. I asked if we are ok, and he said he's never have a reason to hate me.

And that's when I realised- it doesn't actually matter.

I've been so concerned about us ending on good terms, and being able to have friendly chats. But as he told me he would never hate me, something resonated inside me, and I realised that's completely irrelevant, it's of no use to me.

I don't want him to "not hate" me. What good will that do? When someone asks about his ex-girlfriend and he says "I don't hate her", what the fuck good will that do me? It leaves me nowhere.

And that was the moment that I finally understood what has happened.

We've broken up.

It happened a year ago, but it took that moment for me to actually realise that I really have lost him.

This was my first breakup. I have found it so impossible to understand that someone can be such a huge part of your life, and then all of a sudden it's all gone. I didn't believe it. I thought that there must always be some kind of connection, after sharing so much surely that can't all just end?

But apparently it does.

Our relationship will always mean something, hopefully to the both of us, but that's just it- it was what it was, and now we're both going to move on, and find other people, and eventually settle with someone else, and chances are we won't even have a clue what the other is doing.

I don't understand it, I guess no one really does.

A part of me is also really angry. When I last spoke to him about us, when we were still sleeping together, I showed him some letters I had written him, and really opened up about a lot.

I got nothing in return.

I sent him an email after ending it saying exactly that, and that I wanted some answers to some things, and he told me he'd reply, that I deserved to talk about whatever I wanted.

I never got that reply.

I feel that he strung me along after our breakup, and although I don't believe he ever intended on hurting me, when I let him know he had he just seemed to pretend I'd never said anything.

It was easier to turn away than to face me.

And by God that hurts.

Hearing his voice the other day made me realise that what he had is actually, truly gone.

The love is truly not there anymore, and there is no more reason to have any sort of meaningful contact.

Any connection with the man I have loved so deeply for three years is now completely obsolete.

I know this is a healthy realisation, because I'll finally cut the cord and say goodbye.

I guess I'm going to have to learn to be content with the fact that we had a "clean" break up. Instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn't love me, I'm supposed to be glad that he doesn't hate me.

And to be honest, that completely fucking blows.

A story for the soul.

At the start of the year, I went on a holiday. I went with some friends from high school, and it was just the escape I needed.

There was lots of sunshine, swimming, drinking, dancing and meeting new people.

And I managed to cross off quite possible the most intense sexual experience of my life to date- a situation that I highly doubt I will ever spontaneously find myself in again.

It's amazing when things just happen to fall into place. For so long I've wanted to have a threesome, but haven't been able to achieve it, even when meeting with people from websites purely with that in mind.

Again, I'm going to be skimming over a few details leading up to the event- because I was seeing my ex before I left. We weren't in a committed relationship, but I do still feel guilty about the fact that I slept with anyone while he was in my life. In fact after the fact I spent most of the rest of my trip in this empty, desolate state where I couldn't really communicate with anyone or feel anything.

Regardless, I feel lucky to have gained such a sexually open experience, and do want to share it with you all.

I was out alone this night, and made friends with some fellow travellers. Three men. There was a lot of drinking involved. In fact I was very adamant that I would not sleep with anyone on this trip before the drinks started flowing and we all got along, and there were girls dancing on poles, and everything was light up so brightly and the music was pumping and my blood was rushing and by the end of the night I was on a massive high. The night air was warm with sweat, and I ended up kissing one of the guys. The girls on the poles were working girls, and I knew these guys were planning on taking some of them home.

It started off as a playful bargaining ploy, I bargained the girls' prices up, trying to play the supportive woman role, or something I guess. But before I knew it I was back at the boys' hotel, playing the supportive role in the bathroom with the two girls, making sure they had their payment. Then I was on the bed, with the strongest, fittest, most sculpted, gorgeous man I have ever laid my hands on. And one of the girls. With another guy and girl in the bed next to us, and guy three on the sidelines.

Eventually, we all merged into one, and I found myself between girls, between guys- everything was a blur because of the adrenaline and ridiculous amounts of alcohol-  I didn't really know what body part belonged to whom, or who was doing what to which part of me, but it was incredibly. It was this whole energy of heat, spontaneity and raw, fierce, in-the-moment passion.

After a while the girls left, and I ended up proceeding to the shower with just one of the guys, the chiseled, tanned Adonis who just happened to be the one I had kissed before arriving at the hotel.

I left for my own hotel at around 5 or 6 in the morning, on the back of a motorbike taxi, and got up to catch a flight to another city the next day.

The immediate after-effects left me a shell of a person, but I have come to terms with what happened, and remind myself that, although morally this was not the right thing to do, it also wasn't entirely the wrong thing either, as my ex and I were not back together, and I guess seeing him again made me afraid and frustrated, because I could tell he still didn't love me, and I still do feel for him very deeply.

Anyway, that is the story of how I spontaneously and organically had a 6 person orgy, with a 1:1 ratio of male to female!

One point I would like to make, in regards to sexual health- the whole time, regardless of how drunk I was, I made sure that condoms were used by all the guys involved, and also that they were changed in between myself and the girls. As fun as this experience was, it is not something that should be taken lightly as it is not only sex with strangers, but sex with multiple strangers, and there was no reason for me to not take charge and ensure that I put my own health and safety first.



All other emotions aside, it's most definitely a story to tell!

2012

I'm back! I have so much to say and it's late, so this is just a bit of a teaser, I suppose- just to let you all know I am still around!

And I do have to say a big thank you to all of you- I haven't posted in a whole six months, but I signed in for the first time since then and see that I have still had visitors to this page, as well as plenty of emails from you guys! So really, thank you for the support, and for not forgetting me! :)

I started this blog in June of last year, so it has been going for almost an entire year, and my how things have progressed!
I am in a much stronger place, and really feel that having this blog as an outlet, along with the support of all you guys has really played a great part in how far I've come in a year!

But enough of the soppy stuff and back to the juice!

Like I said, just a teaser because I don't want to skim over anything, I want you guys to get the stories you deserve, but basically the reason I haven't posted is that my ex and I were seeing each other again up until very recently. I feel much better about everything, essentially we had some final closure and tied up loose ends, and I am feeling much more independent and capable of getting by without him than I have in a long time.

Next, I figure this is a good time to revise my single bucket list that I made almost exactly a year ago!

I went through my posts looking for it, and for any additions I may have made along the way, and was actually pleasantly surprised (and consequently quite proud) of how much I actually achieved! I will definitely be giving you all the details on these very soon, but for now-

*Things I have crossed off my Single Bucket List:

-Meet more people, be more outgoing, and don't turn down opportunities to spend time with people.

-Have a threesome; MFF and MFM (I am ticking this off, although technically it was more than just a threesome... details to come very soon, and they'll be worth the wait!).

-Become more relaxed about sex- enjoy bringing myself to orgasm.

-Buy a new sex toy.

-Have anal sex while using a vibrator in my pussy.

*Things I am still to do:

-Have sex with a woman (one-on-one, threesomes etc do not count).

-Have another threesome (MFM, MFF, FFF) where it is just three people and we can all spend proper time exploring each other's bodies.

-Get into a mind-frame where I can allow others to make me cum.

*New additions:

-Have webcam sex.

-Remember to be content being by myself and not feel the need to be part of a "unit".

-Videotape myself having sex (with the consent of... the other party!).

So there we have it! We can see I actually did more things on the list than not, and I'll try to come up with some new additions to challenge myself as well!
Let me know if you all have any suggestions!


The one major attitude change I have experienced in this year, is that I am so much more free. I have learned to accept things as they come, and choose to view things from a more positive point-of-view.

Of course I still have ups and downs, but overall I am thankful for going through this break-up in the way that I did, as it truly has helped me change and grow.

Here's a picture for you guys, as always. I've gathered a whole lot of new ones I'm really really loving, so all the more reason for me to post more so I can share them all with you!

It's good to be back. :)

K.