Pornstar without a cause.

This entry, is about a porn.

I generally don't get off on heterosexual porn. Maybe it's because it's not much of a fantasy watching a guy pound a girl. I prefer to watch lesbian porn- thinking about eating another girl out is a huge turn-on for me, and I suppose because I have less experience with girls, it's more of a fantasy.

I also sometimes watch gay porn. I prefer it to straight anal porn, because the guy's are louder, and there's something about watching a guy's ass being rimmed, fingered and fucked that turns me on. I don't know if there's some kind of power play that I like, seeing guys in a submissive position with other men, but I like it.

Anyway, what spurred on this entry is my discovery of one specific, male, pornstar with whom I have completely and entirely become smitten. I came across him in a lot of S&M videos that I'd come across, and then saw him in a video with four other girls and did some research to find out who he is. Turns out he's pretty darn famous, in fact I'm sure you will have heard of James Deen. He's extremely popular with women, which in the porn industry says a lot, because not that many women seem to admit to watching porn. Not in comparison to men, anyway.

So here are the reasons that I, a girl who doesn't generally like watching men in straight porn, cum at the drop of a hat when watching James Deen perform:

*He is believable. Watching him, I get the feeling that he genuinely appreciates the women he is with. Even when he is punish-fucking someone, he will stil gently guide them into position and look them in the eyes.

*He is natural. He whispers things into the girls ears, that aren't picked up by the camera, they are simply coming from him, to the girls.

*He is fucking sexy. He doesn't have the big, muscly, meathead look of a lot of male pornstars. He looks more like a popstar than a pornstar.

It's amazing watching James Deen strike this incredible balance between S&M master and sensitive lover, and even in more "vanilla" porn, he delivers a good, hard fuck that seems to be heartfelt. It sounds obvious, but this guy seems to genuinely enjoy his job, and tends to worship and respect the women he is working with. He is amazing to watch when he gives head, and he seems to observe every small movement of the bodies of the women he is with- taking extreme pleasure in watching them react to his touch and the things he whispers in their ears, and watching them with intense satisfaction as they orgasm, absorbing every small spasm and involuntary moan.

James Deen does a lot for straight porn, and I would give anything to be honoured enough to be fucked by him.

A little touch of fury.

Vent tiiiime!

I'm not going to go into all the details because I don't want to give away too much about anyone's lives, also still boiling over with a hell of a lot of anger, and I've spoken to my friends about it a lot, and I'm kind of over thinking about it, so I've been putting off this entry for a few days.

The ex. Ohhhh how you think you're OK, and then you can just be derailed.

Basically, I went to a funeral of someone in his family. And I just had a gut feeling he'd have a girlfriend by now, so I did some first class, 21st Century Facebook stalking (which I usually abstain from) and discovered that my gut feeling was true. I also had a feeling that he wouldn't have the courtesy to let me know ahead of time that she exists. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I was right.

THANK FUCK I did my research before going to this funeral. He was so gutless all he did was try and make little jokes with me but didn't even mention her. Then the poor girl had to come up and introduce herself to me, which was the respectful thing to do and I really appreciated it. And he tried to apologise for the "awkwardness" of the situation.

I am SO OVER his apologies. He always looks so genuinely upset that he's fucked up, and it's like- don't be such a fucking thoughtless dumbass in the first place and you won't have to feel bad!
I told him he was an idiot, and that I would have appreciated it if he'd told me ahead of time. Then when I left, I thanked his girlfriend in front of him for introducing herself to me. I'm hoping I made my point clear.

I am done with him. I keep looking back on things in our relationship, and every time he has hurt me it has been through inaction. He's an extremely avoidant person, and this is the last opportunity he's ever getting to affect me like this again.

I was angry at him, and I was angry at myself for still being able to be that angry at him.

I still need to process and work through a lot of this anger, a few things have resurfaced, but one thing I noticed was that I didn't feel that chemical pull to him anymore. Maybe it's because I had already decided I was furious with him before I got to the funeral, but when I saw him and hugged him and when he spoke to me, I didn't really want a bar of it.

When I looked at them together, as much as I didn't want to think about it, and I went through a brief moment of fantasies where I smashed their heads together into a bloody mess, overall I didn't want to be her. I don't want to be in that position again.

I sometimes miss the good parts of our relationship, but sometimes I think a lot of the good parts where only good because I was looking at them with my eyes closed.

I was doing so well and this set me off a bit, but as my best friend said, it's just a hiccup, not a step back. I have amazing friends who have commented on how far I've come with this breakup, and when I think about where I was a year and a half ago and where I am now, fuck damn it I have a thousand and four reasons to be proud of who I am.

I don't usually like inspiration, motivational bullshit, but my picture today is going to be of text, I'm sorry. A friend sent it to me in regards to this situation, and it really struck a deep cord with me, especially the last sentence. I think it wraps up this chapter of my life quite nicely.

Kit xx

So much to say.

It's about time I write this post!

It's a warm night and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor with a lit candle listening to Coldplay after painting my nails. Totally zen haha.

I have quite a lot to update on, so I think I'll divide this entry into sections.

THIRD BASE

I stayed over at the house of the girl I'd been seeing. Goes without saying, given her profession, that she had an awesome body. And really big boobs, they were fun to play with! But she had a nipple piercing in each side, and I found it strange, they looked great- but I just didn't know what to do with them!
Anyway, she went down on me for a good half hour, and behind her was a mirrored wall, so I just watched her gorgeous ass while she ate me out. It was such a huge turn on. However it was the "time of month" for her, so that was as far as it went, which frustrated me because I was so ready to pop my girl-cherry!
Anyway, after that night a few things happened, not major so I'll skim over them, but the general idea is that I don't think I should see her as more than a friend anymore, we are just not a good fit for one another's mental health.

So that's where that chapter ends, for now anyway.

HERE'S MY NUMBER

I went out with a group of friends and got preeeetty solidly plastered. It was one of those "I don't give a fuck" nights, I wasn't out to impress anyone or hoping for any action.

Those are always the times when things fall into your lap.

We were leaving one bar to go to a gay club, and walked past a guy who seemed pretty good looking. We had some drunken banter and left to get into my friend's car. As he was pulling out onto the road, I decided I wanted to give the guy my number, so my amazing bro-friend went around the block for me. In my mind I was all smooth talking and flirtatious, but in reality I probably stumbled over and shoved a crumpled bit of paper in his hand, breathing on him with my vodka breath.

Either way he called me straight up saying "this really sexy girl just gave me her number but I'm not sure if it's real". I was probably a major smart-ass, in my IDGAF mood that night, and he said he'd call me the next day. I thought yeahhh sure.

But he did!
He's gone overseas, but maybe I'll catch up with him when he's back.

And that's that.

CALL ME MAYBE

So that same night we moved onto the gay club. I was grinding like crazy with one of my guy friends, when this girl looked at me from across the dance floor, laughing.

She was stunning. Brown hair swept across her face, deep blue eyes shining out from beneath. A Bohemian, windswept look to her, with such adorable femininity. I had no doubt in my mind that this girl was straight- a "fag hag", if you'll pardon the expression.

But she seemed to be enjoying my ridiculous dance moves, and I was still not giving a flaming crap, so I extended my hand out to her and she joined me in a dance.

And this pretty little straight girl moved in closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Until I could see that this girl was no fag hag, but rather quite possibly the hottest lesbian in the country. And she had a British accent! We danced and talked and made out, and eventually she had to leave. I didn't think she'd be interested in anything more, and I almost sarcastically said "you can leave, but only when you've given me your number". It was then that I realised she already had her phone out.

Yada yada yada, and we ended up going on a few dates. She. Is. Awesome. We really get along, and she is as gorgeous when I'm sober. At least three of my friends have crushes on her.

Last week, she came out with my school friends, and ended up coming back to my place.

Yes, I popped my girl-cherry. I lost my lezginity.
And it was awesome.

I couldn't believe how much hotter she is without clothes. It's amazing. She is incredible. I wish I could paint a picture with my mind and project it onto the sky for all the world to see. This level of beauty should not be kept a secret.

Dear God.

Believe it or not I'm a pretty awkward person, so when we got to my room I said "I can give you some pyjamas if you want". She replied with "only if you're offended by me being in my underwear", and stripped down to bra and underpants. Then she crawled into bed next to me.

She has the softest, perkiest breasts. And got so incredibly wet.

It's funny, you think you know all about your gender and your body, but there's so much to learn just by being on the other side!
I had no idea we get that wet! And feeling her cum was absolutely incredible! Her entire body shook, and with my fingers inside her I could feel her pulsing. She cums so easily, it's incredible.

She got me closer than I have ever been with anyone (other than when I have actually cum, of course), and it was only when I realised I was about to cum that I tensed up and didn't. I think if I work on relaxing she will actually be able to bring me to orgasm.

I made her cum once by going down on her, then once again with my fingers, and again in the morning.

I haven't seen her since because we've both been studying, but I will see her again. She's so gorgeous.

She goes back to London in exactly a month, which fucking blows, but I'm just going to enjoy my time with her while I have her here.

She's beautiful.

TRICK OR TREAT

And lastly, Halloween- I got myself some action on Wednesday and Thursday nights, although Thursday wasn't really action, and barely deserves a mention. In fact all it was was a drunken make-out with a 20 year old guy in his car, but he wouldn't sleep with me because my eyes were scary (I had in Halloween contacts), so I went home. Hahaha.

But Wednesday, I went to a friend's party, and again had no intention of picking up, I'd only just slept with my English girl on Monday, anyway!

Long story short, apartment party in the city ended up being relocated to a rooftop further up the road. Such a warm, gorgeous night.

The guy whose rooftop it was and I got talking. He was interesting, and somehow managed to talk me into bed without even kissing me. It was so strange! We spoke for ages, and I got cold so he put his arm around me, and it became quite clear we were into one another. We were interrupted and ended up merging into the group, but he asked me to sit next to him on the couch, and put his arm around me. We kept talking, and he asked me to go downstairs. I had a friend with me who was staying at my place, so I told him I couldn't. But we were both so incredibly frustrated, and there was such a tension between us.

So I told my friend to wait, and went downstairs. I told him this was weird, because we hadn't even kissed, what if there's no chemistry. So he kissed me in the hallway, and thank God it was good!

He took me to his room on the 9th floor, with a huge window and a view of the city. It was good sex- relaxed, fun, friendly. He was good with his hands and tongue. He wouldn't let me touch him, which was interesting, but we'd already had a discussion upstairs about how he doesn't like receiving head (mind blown) for various reasons I didn't agree with... Anyway, so that didn't surprise me.

I was worried he'd be the "making love" type, but after a lot of foreplay and some gentle sex, he softly flipped me over, pulled my hair, and fucked me from behind. It was just what I needed.

He was the funniest guy in the world afterwards- I've never seen anyone so excited to have just had sex! He was all "wooo, yeahhh! yeahhhh!!!". It was HILARIOUS! I think we high-fived about three times. And he didn't want to wipe my makeup off his face.

He asked me how he compares to a girl. My answer was that the girl I was with Monday gave the best head I had ever received. But girls can't throw you down and fuck you.

Sometimes I just need to be pounded.

Getting closer to crossing some things off.

A couple of developments.

I have a feeling I had three stories to tell, but right now I can only think of two...

There is a girl I work with who is incredibly sexy, and there has always been a flirtatious chemistry between us, but as far as I know, she is straight.

However, a while ago I brought one of my exes to a work party (purely as a friend). He picked up on the chemistry and half-jokingly told her to kiss me. She grabbed my face and planted a soft kiss on my lips, but that was all. I thought nothing of it.

Then, a few weeks ago, at yet another work party, she kept coming up and grinding on me as we danced. Again, I thought nothing of it, she's a very sexual person and girls grind all the time, right?

Right, until she comes up behind me, puts her arms around my waist, and begins to grind me from behind. She then grabs my hand and brings it around to her ass. Her hand is on top of mine, and she is squeezing it down onto her ass, so I take to liberty to begin feeling her up as she grinds against me.

Eventually, I turn around to face her, and in a heated moment, we kiss. So passionately, so intensely. It was as if the whole time we've known each other we'd been building up to this moment, and it got to a point where we could not wait any longer. In front of all our work friends, we made out on the dance floor, and it was quite possibly the hottest kiss I have ever experienced.

And that was that. To this point I still can't figure out what it meant to her, or what she wants. But if I get the chance to go further with her, believe me I will.

Story number two, and I believe you'll like this one! I've been on three very successful dates... with a gorgeous, busty... stripper!

She is a total fireball, and we get along so well! The first time we went out she asked me back to her place, but I chickened out- I'm a virgin again, and I got massive stage-fright! The last time I saw her she also tried to get me to go back to her house, but it's hard being single and living at home, especially seeing that my parents don't know I'm bi yet. So I promised that next time we meet up, I would have an alibi.

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that hopefully by my next post, I will have lost my les-ginity!
She's gorgeous, and a total fox, I have a feeling the chemistry in the bedroom will be pretty phenomenal.

Last time we went out we ended up in a bar with a small room with nothing but couches and low lighting. We were the only ones in there, and we had to leave eventually because it just got too heated, we were like two high school girls, we just couldn't keep our hands off one another.

And my third story, which I know remember, and don't understand how I forgot it- talking to this girl about stripping, which I've considered in the past (as I believe most girls do at some point) but never looked into because I had all these preconceptions about it... I've realised that all the impressions I've had were in fact quite wrong. She loves her job, and she strips because she feels confident in her body, not because something is missing in her life. It also seems easier than I thought to stay out of the dark side of the industry, like the sex for money, and the drugs, and the amount of money she makes is completely unbelievable....

So, and I'm sure you can guess what I'm about to say- I have an interview at a strip club on Tuesday! I wasn't going to do it until I started getting fitter, but a friend at work said she wants to do it with me, and looked up a place that's recruiting, so we're going to go together to have a look! It will be interesting to check out, even just to see what it's like. They have so many perks, the girls get free food and a hairdresser and masseuse and solarium, it's insane! But it's a rather high end club so I don't know if I'll get a job, but it will at least be interesting to look into!

I have a feeling I might find it fun, but it also may not be for me, so I'll just suss it out and see... I am very unfit though so we'll so how I go.

My friends have all been very supportive though and most have said they'd considered it, and I was so surprised this work friend wanted to come along with me!
So I'm excited, even if it just turns out to be a fun story and experience.

That's all for now, I will keep you posted on Tuesday, and on my next date, which should hopefully end in some lady loving! :D

Updating the bucket list.

So I've managed to cross off webcam sex off my Single Bucket List, and I also have a new addition.

I decided that webcam sex might be a good way to relax me and help me get to a point where I can allow someone else to bring me to orgasm eventually. So I asked a friend who lives overseas if he'd watch me. It was a lot of fun, and totally exhilarating. Very nerve-wracking, but he and I have always had a strong chemical connection, and have been exchanging photos and dirty talk for almost a year now.

Unfortunately the internet connection cut out, so I didn't orgasm while he watched, but I kept going and recorded it for him, and came while recording myself, which I've never been relaxed enough to do before, so I figure it was a step in the right direction. :)

With that one crossed off, another ambition takes its place.

Tonight was the warmest night we've had in a long time here, bearing in mind it's still winter. I went for a long walk by the riverside in the city, and as my mind wandered I decided I want to make myself cum in public.

So I'm adding this to my list.

On a warm night, I'm going to wear a skirt, walk down to the riverside, take off my underwear, cover my legs with a jacket just in case anyone walks by too closely, and fuck myself with my vibrator until I cum.

I'm actually getting really wet just thinking about it, I can't wait until the weather is warmer! Someone asked me the other night where the most interesting place I've had sex is, and other than the back room of my old workplace I couldn't really think of anywhere. So that got me thinking that I'd like to be more adventurous with the places I have sex, the idea of being semi-public really turns me on. And since I don't have a regular sexual partner at the moment, I figure I might as well get the ball rolling by myself!
I think it's a brave and exciting thing to do, and totally fucking hot.

So this brings the current items on my list to:

-Have sex with a woman

-Have a threesome

-Work on becoming relaxed enough to allow others to bring me to orgasm

-Work on being content being by myself and not feeling the need to be in a couple

-Videotape myself having sex

-Make myself cum outdoors in the city

Lastly, I just wanted to tell a story of a guy I slept with about three years ago, just before I met my ex. I was reminiscing before.

I used to take one-on-one singing lessons. I was quite good if I may say so, in fact my singing teacher was always using me as an example to other students.

There was a boy whose class always overlapped with mine. Our teacher would always call me into the room when he had a few minutes left to go, in order to ask me to give him some demonstrations of how I did things.

I was always incredibly attracted to him- he had a cool demeanour, an air of nonchalance that was incredibly alluring. His blonde hair was casually swept across his face.

Turns out he had done quite a lot of work in a popular New Zealand TV show, which increased the appeal, too. Anyway, I'd only ever see him oh-so-briefly in class, and I never thought he looked at me twice.

Then one night, after I got back from three months travelling overseas, I was out drunk at a club, and stumbled into him. He picked me up in his arms and spun me around, drunk as I was, maybe more. He admitted he'd always had a crush on me, and I couldn't believe my luck. We kissed like there was no tomorrow that night, and then I went home with my friends.

I ended up going on a date with him a week or so later. We went to a rooftop bar, and talked and laughed and got tipsy, and I went back to his place. He lived on the twenty-somethingth floor of an apartment in the city. He had a great big window where a wall should be, looking down onto a glistening nighttime Melbourne.

We had great sex, twice, and he left for Europe not long after.

I hope I can find someone fun and wild with whom to have some crazy, uninhibited times very soon.

I want to explore someone's body and personality, take risks and try new things.

A sleeplessly perfect night.

In my next entry I will have to write about my list, as I have successfully crossed of webcam sex, with a friend, who was in fact the person I had in mind when I wrote that on my list. But before that, I want to write about a Kiwi boy.


So I went interstate for a while, with a few friends, just to get away. A week in another city was just what the doctor ordered. I'd been losing my head a little, and it helped to get away.

And of course, I have a story.

Ok, maybe two.

The first is short, and just an update, I suppose. I met with one of the guys I befriended (and "orgied") with when I was overseas earlier in the year. I slept with him, drunk, in the bottom bunk in a hostel room with three or four other people in there.

Not one of my finest moments.

And I had to escape out the fire exit the next day, because I couldn't be seen by anyone at the front desk seeing as I wasn't a guest at that particular hostel.

It was pretty hilarious, especially when housekeeping came in and my friend had left so it was just me and his roommates, and housekeeping was asking me all these questions about who was sleeping in which bed and what belonged to whom. I pretty much just nodded and shrugged while throwing on my clothes, then just bolted right down that fire escape!

Out of four nights spent away, only one of them was spent in my own bed.

The first night was spent at a long-lost friend's place, which was really lovely. The second night was the one described above. The third was in my bed, and it was so uncomfortable I swore not to sleep in it again!

Which leads me to the final night.
When I experienced something that I have never really felt before. In essence, a one-night-stand, but one that felt like so much more. I have never connected so deeply with someone in such a short amount of time. Not since I was with my ex, anyway. And never on this level.

I was lying on the couch in the common room, singing to the music playing in my headphones, and he struck up a conversation. He is from New Zealand, and had a gorgeously subtle accent that I found incredibly sexy. It was his first day in the city. We got talking for a while, and when I was about to head out to have dinner, he asked to give me his number. I said I'd give him mine, so we exchanged digits and I went out. I didn't really expect to hear from him, but he sent me a couple of texts throughout the night. It didn't end up looking like we would cross paths though, and I had resolved to sleeping on my lumpy mattress again, when I got a message at around 4:00am while I was still out. He said that he didn't feel like coming out to dance, but that if I felt like it I could have a beer in his room when I got back.

So just before 5:00 in the morning I met him in the common room of our hostel, and ended up in his room. He had a single room, just the one bed. It began with me sitting on the floor, and him on a stool, and we just started to talk. We instantly clicked and the conversation just flowed. I don't think either of us expected to get along so well, every now and then he'd smile and say he was having fun. We were both pleasantly surprised.

Eventually he went to the bathroom, so I relocated to his bed, and when he came back he sat next to me. We just kept talking, and eventually, completely organically and naturally, yet also out of the blue, he kissed me. He was a remarkable kisser, soft and gentle but passionate. Used his lips well, and knew exactly when to use what amount of tongue. It was a short kiss, and then we continued talking, almost as if nothing had happened.

I lay on his lap for a while as we talked, then turned back on to my stomach, and we began to kiss again. It was intimate and it was sensual, and I've never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. He took his time with me as we slowly explored one another's bodies, discovering what the other likes. He slowly undressed me, which was a big turn-on. It has been a while since a man was taken the time to study my body as he takes off my clothes, often I am asked to take them off myself, or they are just ripped off in the heat of the moment. But this was different. He let me undress him too, which I found a huge turn-on, it's so much sexier when I have control of when my man's clothes come off, and also not to have the pressure of a man stripping himself down when he pleases- it felt good that he left how much clothing he was wearing completely up to me.

He had a great body, and a smile that could light up the darkest night. We laughed and kissed and had sex that was on a whole new level from anything I have experienced to this day. Those of you who have read my blog for a while know that I am not necessarily the romantic type, and I like a good, hard, raw, senseless fucking.

But this was gentle. I mean, it was rough, in its own way, and I asked him to spank me, to which he responded slightly hesitantly but then really seemed to have fun with it, which was great. But all of it just seemed to be about being in one another's company and enjoying each other's body and presence.

There was one point where we simply lay in each other's arms, face to face, eyes closed with lips touching, just feeling each other's breath. It was incredibly intense.

We didn't sleep at all that night, and by 10:00am I had to go check out of the hostel. He asked me to come back, which surprised me, because I'm not used to being wanted the morning after a one-night stand. I told him this, and he told me, with a hint of pleasant surprise in his voice, that he actually liked me. When I came back he was asleep, so I went out with my friend to get some breakfast and walk about the city one last time.

I got back at 12:30pm and he was still asleep. I felt bad waking him, so I just told him I would get my jacket from his room and leave. He looked at me, perplexed, and asked why I would leave. Again, I told him I didn't want to stay floating around and annoy him, and he simply moved over in the bed and told me he wanted a nap-buddy.

We didn't nap though, just talked and laughed and told stories and listened to music and had sex and kissed and held hands and spooned. It was 3:00pm by the time we emerged from that room, and I left for the airport an hour later, having been awake for 29 hours.

I got home, and I cried- partly because I was so exhausted, and partly because I was shaken by the experience- something so perfect, and so extremely rare. I was convinced that I would never hear from him again, nor ever find a connection as strong and beautiful.

Of course, the next morning I awoke to a text message from him, and laughed at how I had over-reacted. We have been in touch every now and then, and I did in fact ask him to consider coming to Melbourne sometime to spend a weekend with me. He said that maybe in a couple of months when he has settled into his new job he might make it down this way.

Part of me says maybe I should just let it remain an unblemished memory, but I do truly hope to see him again someday. I believe that what we experienced was very real, and even if nothing works out in the future, I would like to know that we had a chance to try and discover whether there really is something there, or whether our little affair was just a beautiful side effect of a holiday drenched in intoxicated passion and raw human energy- pure and true for that one night.

A new epiphany- a step in the right direction?

Another emotional entry for tonight. I need to vent.

I called the ex the other day.

No agenda, just to say hi, and have a chat. I guess I wanted to make sure that we would be able to talk. To check that we're ok.

It was fine, it was nice to hear his voice, and he said he was glad to hear from me. I asked if we are ok, and he said he's never have a reason to hate me.

And that's when I realised- it doesn't actually matter.

I've been so concerned about us ending on good terms, and being able to have friendly chats. But as he told me he would never hate me, something resonated inside me, and I realised that's completely irrelevant, it's of no use to me.

I don't want him to "not hate" me. What good will that do? When someone asks about his ex-girlfriend and he says "I don't hate her", what the fuck good will that do me? It leaves me nowhere.

And that was the moment that I finally understood what has happened.

We've broken up.

It happened a year ago, but it took that moment for me to actually realise that I really have lost him.

This was my first breakup. I have found it so impossible to understand that someone can be such a huge part of your life, and then all of a sudden it's all gone. I didn't believe it. I thought that there must always be some kind of connection, after sharing so much surely that can't all just end?

But apparently it does.

Our relationship will always mean something, hopefully to the both of us, but that's just it- it was what it was, and now we're both going to move on, and find other people, and eventually settle with someone else, and chances are we won't even have a clue what the other is doing.

I don't understand it, I guess no one really does.

A part of me is also really angry. When I last spoke to him about us, when we were still sleeping together, I showed him some letters I had written him, and really opened up about a lot.

I got nothing in return.

I sent him an email after ending it saying exactly that, and that I wanted some answers to some things, and he told me he'd reply, that I deserved to talk about whatever I wanted.

I never got that reply.

I feel that he strung me along after our breakup, and although I don't believe he ever intended on hurting me, when I let him know he had he just seemed to pretend I'd never said anything.

It was easier to turn away than to face me.

And by God that hurts.

Hearing his voice the other day made me realise that what he had is actually, truly gone.

The love is truly not there anymore, and there is no more reason to have any sort of meaningful contact.

Any connection with the man I have loved so deeply for three years is now completely obsolete.

I know this is a healthy realisation, because I'll finally cut the cord and say goodbye.

I guess I'm going to have to learn to be content with the fact that we had a "clean" break up. Instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn't love me, I'm supposed to be glad that he doesn't hate me.

And to be honest, that completely fucking blows.

A story for the soul.

At the start of the year, I went on a holiday. I went with some friends from high school, and it was just the escape I needed.

There was lots of sunshine, swimming, drinking, dancing and meeting new people.

And I managed to cross off quite possible the most intense sexual experience of my life to date- a situation that I highly doubt I will ever spontaneously find myself in again.

It's amazing when things just happen to fall into place. For so long I've wanted to have a threesome, but haven't been able to achieve it, even when meeting with people from websites purely with that in mind.

Again, I'm going to be skimming over a few details leading up to the event- because I was seeing my ex before I left. We weren't in a committed relationship, but I do still feel guilty about the fact that I slept with anyone while he was in my life. In fact after the fact I spent most of the rest of my trip in this empty, desolate state where I couldn't really communicate with anyone or feel anything.

Regardless, I feel lucky to have gained such a sexually open experience, and do want to share it with you all.

I was out alone this night, and made friends with some fellow travellers. Three men. There was a lot of drinking involved. In fact I was very adamant that I would not sleep with anyone on this trip before the drinks started flowing and we all got along, and there were girls dancing on poles, and everything was light up so brightly and the music was pumping and my blood was rushing and by the end of the night I was on a massive high. The night air was warm with sweat, and I ended up kissing one of the guys. The girls on the poles were working girls, and I knew these guys were planning on taking some of them home.

It started off as a playful bargaining ploy, I bargained the girls' prices up, trying to play the supportive woman role, or something I guess. But before I knew it I was back at the boys' hotel, playing the supportive role in the bathroom with the two girls, making sure they had their payment. Then I was on the bed, with the strongest, fittest, most sculpted, gorgeous man I have ever laid my hands on. And one of the girls. With another guy and girl in the bed next to us, and guy three on the sidelines.

Eventually, we all merged into one, and I found myself between girls, between guys- everything was a blur because of the adrenaline and ridiculous amounts of alcohol-  I didn't really know what body part belonged to whom, or who was doing what to which part of me, but it was incredibly. It was this whole energy of heat, spontaneity and raw, fierce, in-the-moment passion.

After a while the girls left, and I ended up proceeding to the shower with just one of the guys, the chiseled, tanned Adonis who just happened to be the one I had kissed before arriving at the hotel.

I left for my own hotel at around 5 or 6 in the morning, on the back of a motorbike taxi, and got up to catch a flight to another city the next day.

The immediate after-effects left me a shell of a person, but I have come to terms with what happened, and remind myself that, although morally this was not the right thing to do, it also wasn't entirely the wrong thing either, as my ex and I were not back together, and I guess seeing him again made me afraid and frustrated, because I could tell he still didn't love me, and I still do feel for him very deeply.

Anyway, that is the story of how I spontaneously and organically had a 6 person orgy, with a 1:1 ratio of male to female!

One point I would like to make, in regards to sexual health- the whole time, regardless of how drunk I was, I made sure that condoms were used by all the guys involved, and also that they were changed in between myself and the girls. As fun as this experience was, it is not something that should be taken lightly as it is not only sex with strangers, but sex with multiple strangers, and there was no reason for me to not take charge and ensure that I put my own health and safety first.



All other emotions aside, it's most definitely a story to tell!

2012

I'm back! I have so much to say and it's late, so this is just a bit of a teaser, I suppose- just to let you all know I am still around!

And I do have to say a big thank you to all of you- I haven't posted in a whole six months, but I signed in for the first time since then and see that I have still had visitors to this page, as well as plenty of emails from you guys! So really, thank you for the support, and for not forgetting me! :)

I started this blog in June of last year, so it has been going for almost an entire year, and my how things have progressed!
I am in a much stronger place, and really feel that having this blog as an outlet, along with the support of all you guys has really played a great part in how far I've come in a year!

But enough of the soppy stuff and back to the juice!

Like I said, just a teaser because I don't want to skim over anything, I want you guys to get the stories you deserve, but basically the reason I haven't posted is that my ex and I were seeing each other again up until very recently. I feel much better about everything, essentially we had some final closure and tied up loose ends, and I am feeling much more independent and capable of getting by without him than I have in a long time.

Next, I figure this is a good time to revise my single bucket list that I made almost exactly a year ago!

I went through my posts looking for it, and for any additions I may have made along the way, and was actually pleasantly surprised (and consequently quite proud) of how much I actually achieved! I will definitely be giving you all the details on these very soon, but for now-

*Things I have crossed off my Single Bucket List:

-Meet more people, be more outgoing, and don't turn down opportunities to spend time with people.

-Have a threesome; MFF and MFM (I am ticking this off, although technically it was more than just a threesome... details to come very soon, and they'll be worth the wait!).

-Become more relaxed about sex- enjoy bringing myself to orgasm.

-Buy a new sex toy.

-Have anal sex while using a vibrator in my pussy.

*Things I am still to do:

-Have sex with a woman (one-on-one, threesomes etc do not count).

-Have another threesome (MFM, MFF, FFF) where it is just three people and we can all spend proper time exploring each other's bodies.

-Get into a mind-frame where I can allow others to make me cum.

*New additions:

-Have webcam sex.

-Remember to be content being by myself and not feel the need to be part of a "unit".

-Videotape myself having sex (with the consent of... the other party!).

So there we have it! We can see I actually did more things on the list than not, and I'll try to come up with some new additions to challenge myself as well!
Let me know if you all have any suggestions!


The one major attitude change I have experienced in this year, is that I am so much more free. I have learned to accept things as they come, and choose to view things from a more positive point-of-view.

Of course I still have ups and downs, but overall I am thankful for going through this break-up in the way that I did, as it truly has helped me change and grow.

Here's a picture for you guys, as always. I've gathered a whole lot of new ones I'm really really loving, so all the more reason for me to post more so I can share them all with you!

It's good to be back. :)

K.