A sleeplessly perfect night.

In my next entry I will have to write about my list, as I have successfully crossed of webcam sex, with a friend, who was in fact the person I had in mind when I wrote that on my list. But before that, I want to write about a Kiwi boy.


So I went interstate for a while, with a few friends, just to get away. A week in another city was just what the doctor ordered. I'd been losing my head a little, and it helped to get away.

And of course, I have a story.

Ok, maybe two.

The first is short, and just an update, I suppose. I met with one of the guys I befriended (and "orgied") with when I was overseas earlier in the year. I slept with him, drunk, in the bottom bunk in a hostel room with three or four other people in there.

Not one of my finest moments.

And I had to escape out the fire exit the next day, because I couldn't be seen by anyone at the front desk seeing as I wasn't a guest at that particular hostel.

It was pretty hilarious, especially when housekeeping came in and my friend had left so it was just me and his roommates, and housekeeping was asking me all these questions about who was sleeping in which bed and what belonged to whom. I pretty much just nodded and shrugged while throwing on my clothes, then just bolted right down that fire escape!

Out of four nights spent away, only one of them was spent in my own bed.

The first night was spent at a long-lost friend's place, which was really lovely. The second night was the one described above. The third was in my bed, and it was so uncomfortable I swore not to sleep in it again!

Which leads me to the final night.
When I experienced something that I have never really felt before. In essence, a one-night-stand, but one that felt like so much more. I have never connected so deeply with someone in such a short amount of time. Not since I was with my ex, anyway. And never on this level.

I was lying on the couch in the common room, singing to the music playing in my headphones, and he struck up a conversation. He is from New Zealand, and had a gorgeously subtle accent that I found incredibly sexy. It was his first day in the city. We got talking for a while, and when I was about to head out to have dinner, he asked to give me his number. I said I'd give him mine, so we exchanged digits and I went out. I didn't really expect to hear from him, but he sent me a couple of texts throughout the night. It didn't end up looking like we would cross paths though, and I had resolved to sleeping on my lumpy mattress again, when I got a message at around 4:00am while I was still out. He said that he didn't feel like coming out to dance, but that if I felt like it I could have a beer in his room when I got back.

So just before 5:00 in the morning I met him in the common room of our hostel, and ended up in his room. He had a single room, just the one bed. It began with me sitting on the floor, and him on a stool, and we just started to talk. We instantly clicked and the conversation just flowed. I don't think either of us expected to get along so well, every now and then he'd smile and say he was having fun. We were both pleasantly surprised.

Eventually he went to the bathroom, so I relocated to his bed, and when he came back he sat next to me. We just kept talking, and eventually, completely organically and naturally, yet also out of the blue, he kissed me. He was a remarkable kisser, soft and gentle but passionate. Used his lips well, and knew exactly when to use what amount of tongue. It was a short kiss, and then we continued talking, almost as if nothing had happened.

I lay on his lap for a while as we talked, then turned back on to my stomach, and we began to kiss again. It was intimate and it was sensual, and I've never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. He took his time with me as we slowly explored one another's bodies, discovering what the other likes. He slowly undressed me, which was a big turn-on. It has been a while since a man was taken the time to study my body as he takes off my clothes, often I am asked to take them off myself, or they are just ripped off in the heat of the moment. But this was different. He let me undress him too, which I found a huge turn-on, it's so much sexier when I have control of when my man's clothes come off, and also not to have the pressure of a man stripping himself down when he pleases- it felt good that he left how much clothing he was wearing completely up to me.

He had a great body, and a smile that could light up the darkest night. We laughed and kissed and had sex that was on a whole new level from anything I have experienced to this day. Those of you who have read my blog for a while know that I am not necessarily the romantic type, and I like a good, hard, raw, senseless fucking.

But this was gentle. I mean, it was rough, in its own way, and I asked him to spank me, to which he responded slightly hesitantly but then really seemed to have fun with it, which was great. But all of it just seemed to be about being in one another's company and enjoying each other's body and presence.

There was one point where we simply lay in each other's arms, face to face, eyes closed with lips touching, just feeling each other's breath. It was incredibly intense.

We didn't sleep at all that night, and by 10:00am I had to go check out of the hostel. He asked me to come back, which surprised me, because I'm not used to being wanted the morning after a one-night stand. I told him this, and he told me, with a hint of pleasant surprise in his voice, that he actually liked me. When I came back he was asleep, so I went out with my friend to get some breakfast and walk about the city one last time.

I got back at 12:30pm and he was still asleep. I felt bad waking him, so I just told him I would get my jacket from his room and leave. He looked at me, perplexed, and asked why I would leave. Again, I told him I didn't want to stay floating around and annoy him, and he simply moved over in the bed and told me he wanted a nap-buddy.

We didn't nap though, just talked and laughed and told stories and listened to music and had sex and kissed and held hands and spooned. It was 3:00pm by the time we emerged from that room, and I left for the airport an hour later, having been awake for 29 hours.

I got home, and I cried- partly because I was so exhausted, and partly because I was shaken by the experience- something so perfect, and so extremely rare. I was convinced that I would never hear from him again, nor ever find a connection as strong and beautiful.

Of course, the next morning I awoke to a text message from him, and laughed at how I had over-reacted. We have been in touch every now and then, and I did in fact ask him to consider coming to Melbourne sometime to spend a weekend with me. He said that maybe in a couple of months when he has settled into his new job he might make it down this way.

Part of me says maybe I should just let it remain an unblemished memory, but I do truly hope to see him again someday. I believe that what we experienced was very real, and even if nothing works out in the future, I would like to know that we had a chance to try and discover whether there really is something there, or whether our little affair was just a beautiful side effect of a holiday drenched in intoxicated passion and raw human energy- pure and true for that one night.

A new epiphany- a step in the right direction?

Another emotional entry for tonight. I need to vent.

I called the ex the other day.

No agenda, just to say hi, and have a chat. I guess I wanted to make sure that we would be able to talk. To check that we're ok.

It was fine, it was nice to hear his voice, and he said he was glad to hear from me. I asked if we are ok, and he said he's never have a reason to hate me.

And that's when I realised- it doesn't actually matter.

I've been so concerned about us ending on good terms, and being able to have friendly chats. But as he told me he would never hate me, something resonated inside me, and I realised that's completely irrelevant, it's of no use to me.

I don't want him to "not hate" me. What good will that do? When someone asks about his ex-girlfriend and he says "I don't hate her", what the fuck good will that do me? It leaves me nowhere.

And that was the moment that I finally understood what has happened.

We've broken up.

It happened a year ago, but it took that moment for me to actually realise that I really have lost him.

This was my first breakup. I have found it so impossible to understand that someone can be such a huge part of your life, and then all of a sudden it's all gone. I didn't believe it. I thought that there must always be some kind of connection, after sharing so much surely that can't all just end?

But apparently it does.

Our relationship will always mean something, hopefully to the both of us, but that's just it- it was what it was, and now we're both going to move on, and find other people, and eventually settle with someone else, and chances are we won't even have a clue what the other is doing.

I don't understand it, I guess no one really does.

A part of me is also really angry. When I last spoke to him about us, when we were still sleeping together, I showed him some letters I had written him, and really opened up about a lot.

I got nothing in return.

I sent him an email after ending it saying exactly that, and that I wanted some answers to some things, and he told me he'd reply, that I deserved to talk about whatever I wanted.

I never got that reply.

I feel that he strung me along after our breakup, and although I don't believe he ever intended on hurting me, when I let him know he had he just seemed to pretend I'd never said anything.

It was easier to turn away than to face me.

And by God that hurts.

Hearing his voice the other day made me realise that what he had is actually, truly gone.

The love is truly not there anymore, and there is no more reason to have any sort of meaningful contact.

Any connection with the man I have loved so deeply for three years is now completely obsolete.

I know this is a healthy realisation, because I'll finally cut the cord and say goodbye.

I guess I'm going to have to learn to be content with the fact that we had a "clean" break up. Instead of focusing on the fact that he doesn't love me, I'm supposed to be glad that he doesn't hate me.

And to be honest, that completely fucking blows.

A story for the soul.

At the start of the year, I went on a holiday. I went with some friends from high school, and it was just the escape I needed.

There was lots of sunshine, swimming, drinking, dancing and meeting new people.

And I managed to cross off quite possible the most intense sexual experience of my life to date- a situation that I highly doubt I will ever spontaneously find myself in again.

It's amazing when things just happen to fall into place. For so long I've wanted to have a threesome, but haven't been able to achieve it, even when meeting with people from websites purely with that in mind.

Again, I'm going to be skimming over a few details leading up to the event- because I was seeing my ex before I left. We weren't in a committed relationship, but I do still feel guilty about the fact that I slept with anyone while he was in my life. In fact after the fact I spent most of the rest of my trip in this empty, desolate state where I couldn't really communicate with anyone or feel anything.

Regardless, I feel lucky to have gained such a sexually open experience, and do want to share it with you all.

I was out alone this night, and made friends with some fellow travellers. Three men. There was a lot of drinking involved. In fact I was very adamant that I would not sleep with anyone on this trip before the drinks started flowing and we all got along, and there were girls dancing on poles, and everything was light up so brightly and the music was pumping and my blood was rushing and by the end of the night I was on a massive high. The night air was warm with sweat, and I ended up kissing one of the guys. The girls on the poles were working girls, and I knew these guys were planning on taking some of them home.

It started off as a playful bargaining ploy, I bargained the girls' prices up, trying to play the supportive woman role, or something I guess. But before I knew it I was back at the boys' hotel, playing the supportive role in the bathroom with the two girls, making sure they had their payment. Then I was on the bed, with the strongest, fittest, most sculpted, gorgeous man I have ever laid my hands on. And one of the girls. With another guy and girl in the bed next to us, and guy three on the sidelines.

Eventually, we all merged into one, and I found myself between girls, between guys- everything was a blur because of the adrenaline and ridiculous amounts of alcohol-  I didn't really know what body part belonged to whom, or who was doing what to which part of me, but it was incredibly. It was this whole energy of heat, spontaneity and raw, fierce, in-the-moment passion.

After a while the girls left, and I ended up proceeding to the shower with just one of the guys, the chiseled, tanned Adonis who just happened to be the one I had kissed before arriving at the hotel.

I left for my own hotel at around 5 or 6 in the morning, on the back of a motorbike taxi, and got up to catch a flight to another city the next day.

The immediate after-effects left me a shell of a person, but I have come to terms with what happened, and remind myself that, although morally this was not the right thing to do, it also wasn't entirely the wrong thing either, as my ex and I were not back together, and I guess seeing him again made me afraid and frustrated, because I could tell he still didn't love me, and I still do feel for him very deeply.

Anyway, that is the story of how I spontaneously and organically had a 6 person orgy, with a 1:1 ratio of male to female!

One point I would like to make, in regards to sexual health- the whole time, regardless of how drunk I was, I made sure that condoms were used by all the guys involved, and also that they were changed in between myself and the girls. As fun as this experience was, it is not something that should be taken lightly as it is not only sex with strangers, but sex with multiple strangers, and there was no reason for me to not take charge and ensure that I put my own health and safety first.



All other emotions aside, it's most definitely a story to tell!

2012

I'm back! I have so much to say and it's late, so this is just a bit of a teaser, I suppose- just to let you all know I am still around!

And I do have to say a big thank you to all of you- I haven't posted in a whole six months, but I signed in for the first time since then and see that I have still had visitors to this page, as well as plenty of emails from you guys! So really, thank you for the support, and for not forgetting me! :)

I started this blog in June of last year, so it has been going for almost an entire year, and my how things have progressed!
I am in a much stronger place, and really feel that having this blog as an outlet, along with the support of all you guys has really played a great part in how far I've come in a year!

But enough of the soppy stuff and back to the juice!

Like I said, just a teaser because I don't want to skim over anything, I want you guys to get the stories you deserve, but basically the reason I haven't posted is that my ex and I were seeing each other again up until very recently. I feel much better about everything, essentially we had some final closure and tied up loose ends, and I am feeling much more independent and capable of getting by without him than I have in a long time.

Next, I figure this is a good time to revise my single bucket list that I made almost exactly a year ago!

I went through my posts looking for it, and for any additions I may have made along the way, and was actually pleasantly surprised (and consequently quite proud) of how much I actually achieved! I will definitely be giving you all the details on these very soon, but for now-

*Things I have crossed off my Single Bucket List:

-Meet more people, be more outgoing, and don't turn down opportunities to spend time with people.

-Have a threesome; MFF and MFM (I am ticking this off, although technically it was more than just a threesome... details to come very soon, and they'll be worth the wait!).

-Become more relaxed about sex- enjoy bringing myself to orgasm.

-Buy a new sex toy.

-Have anal sex while using a vibrator in my pussy.

*Things I am still to do:

-Have sex with a woman (one-on-one, threesomes etc do not count).

-Have another threesome (MFM, MFF, FFF) where it is just three people and we can all spend proper time exploring each other's bodies.

-Get into a mind-frame where I can allow others to make me cum.

*New additions:

-Have webcam sex.

-Remember to be content being by myself and not feel the need to be part of a "unit".

-Videotape myself having sex (with the consent of... the other party!).

So there we have it! We can see I actually did more things on the list than not, and I'll try to come up with some new additions to challenge myself as well!
Let me know if you all have any suggestions!


The one major attitude change I have experienced in this year, is that I am so much more free. I have learned to accept things as they come, and choose to view things from a more positive point-of-view.

Of course I still have ups and downs, but overall I am thankful for going through this break-up in the way that I did, as it truly has helped me change and grow.

Here's a picture for you guys, as always. I've gathered a whole lot of new ones I'm really really loving, so all the more reason for me to post more so I can share them all with you!

It's good to be back. :)

K.

A long story after a long break.

Firstly I have to apologise for not posting in so long. So much has happened that I haven't even had the energy to write. My family life has been a bit awol, and I've been dealing with organising study and pressures at work. But I have a lot to write about.

I've been very tired, either physically or emotionally, every time I've thought about writing, and I just haven't been able to put my heart into it. But tonight I'm feeling good. Even though I should be going to sleep because it's 2:15 in the morning, I think it's time I posted again.
Also a quick disclaimer to anyone who has tried to reach me by email over the past few months- I am still alive and having sex, and I will reply to each and every one of you in due course. Sorry for making you wait, I do really love getting emails from my readers, I like to know that my words have some kind of an impact, on whatever scale. =]

Tonight I was at a friend's place with a small group, just relaxing and hanging about talking. Two of my friends came back to my place and we just spoke about sex and relationships. It was so nice to speak openly with two close friends who are like-minded. So our chat has got me in the right mind-frame to blog again.
I guess the first thing I should mention is that I have been seeing my ex again. I won't go into the details of how or why it happened, because it was quite a personal situation that had us meet again, but the first night I saw him again, we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. We ended up just talking in my car until very late, and eventually we kissed. It felt like we had only seen each other yesterday, and in the end I gave up and invited him in. We hung around most of the next day, and it was as if we had never been apart. He kept saying he didn't know what any of this meant, but I told him I didn't care. It is so nice having him in my life again, even if it is just for now. I've been really good at switching my mind off and just feeling instead of thinking, and it makes it so much easier to just be.
So far the past month or two we have been texting each other most days, and seeing one another every couple of weeks. The sex has been mind-blowing. I think time apart has done us good, and I in particular have relaxed a lot and feel much more free trying new things with him than when we were together. I think being single, and also having this blog and communicating with my readers, has been really helpful in becoming all the more comfortable with my sexuality, my wants and desires, and also in actually being able to realise and express what it is that I want.

The last time I slept with him was quite probably the best sex I have ever had. And funnily enough- it was anal! It's funny, writing about sex with him feels a lot more scary than when I write about it with others, because it means so much more. I feel like the sex I share with him should be kept between us. I will however say that I fulfilled my desire of being fucked from behind while holding my vibrator inside my pussy.
It was incredible, and he went down on me with one finger in my ass and two in my pussy, and my God it was intense!
Kissing him is one of the best things in the world. I had forgotten just how incredibly his lips feel against mine, against my neck, against my body.
I don't know exactly how we feel about one another anymore, but I'm very happy with whatever it is that we are doing at the moment.

The other thing about writing this post now that I've been seeing my ex again, is that I'm more paranoid than ever that he, or someone we know, might see this. It wouldn't be too hard to work out who I am for those who know me closely enough. But I love having this blog, it makes me feel free to express myself, and I also like the idea that people are reading and sharing fantasies. I want to be able to help people express their own sexuality, and become more comfortable discussing sex.
I went away on a week-long holiday with a big group of my friends a couple of weeks ago. I shared a room with two of my very close male friends. One night, one friend and I went to bed earlier than the other, and we started talking about sex, and how we both believed that friends should be able to sleep together without it being awkward. It would be so much easier if we, as people, could all switch off our inner monologue, our ideas of right and wrong, and just relax in one another's presence. Of course this doesn't apply to all friends- some of my very close friends I could never sleep with, there's no chemistry in that way, and it just wouldn't feel right. But in some cases, it would be so much easier if it were socially acceptable for friends to sleep together and still be the same old friends the next day.

I'll write one more thing before I go to sleep, just because I think it's a fun story to share.
I was out one night with my group, we were all very drunk, and one of my girl friends and I decided we wanted to see two of the guys in the group kiss. So, of course, we did the whole pre-teen deal of if you make out we'll make out.
So they did.
And we did.
And it was actually really awesome. It was a really hot kiss, and even though I've never seen her as a sexual person, and she identifies as straight, she definitely stepped up to the occasion, and it was a lot of fun. It was hot, and it didn't change anything, which was great.

It's nice finding people with a relaxed attitude about everything.
I'm sorry if this has been a bit rambly, it's late and I'm starting to feel the tiredness. I intend on posting again soon, and on replying to all the emails I have marked with a little star in my inbox! =]
I would love to get some suggestions on what you'd like to see an entry on next, so feel free to leave a comment on the blog or shoot me through an email, I will start replying ASAP, I swear!

Have a wonderful Christmas, Chanukah, and start to 2012!!
Love K =]