A little touch of fury.

Vent tiiiime!

I'm not going to go into all the details because I don't want to give away too much about anyone's lives, also still boiling over with a hell of a lot of anger, and I've spoken to my friends about it a lot, and I'm kind of over thinking about it, so I've been putting off this entry for a few days.

The ex. Ohhhh how you think you're OK, and then you can just be derailed.

Basically, I went to a funeral of someone in his family. And I just had a gut feeling he'd have a girlfriend by now, so I did some first class, 21st Century Facebook stalking (which I usually abstain from) and discovered that my gut feeling was true. I also had a feeling that he wouldn't have the courtesy to let me know ahead of time that she exists. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I was right.

THANK FUCK I did my research before going to this funeral. He was so gutless all he did was try and make little jokes with me but didn't even mention her. Then the poor girl had to come up and introduce herself to me, which was the respectful thing to do and I really appreciated it. And he tried to apologise for the "awkwardness" of the situation.

I am SO OVER his apologies. He always looks so genuinely upset that he's fucked up, and it's like- don't be such a fucking thoughtless dumbass in the first place and you won't have to feel bad!
I told him he was an idiot, and that I would have appreciated it if he'd told me ahead of time. Then when I left, I thanked his girlfriend in front of him for introducing herself to me. I'm hoping I made my point clear.

I am done with him. I keep looking back on things in our relationship, and every time he has hurt me it has been through inaction. He's an extremely avoidant person, and this is the last opportunity he's ever getting to affect me like this again.

I was angry at him, and I was angry at myself for still being able to be that angry at him.

I still need to process and work through a lot of this anger, a few things have resurfaced, but one thing I noticed was that I didn't feel that chemical pull to him anymore. Maybe it's because I had already decided I was furious with him before I got to the funeral, but when I saw him and hugged him and when he spoke to me, I didn't really want a bar of it.

When I looked at them together, as much as I didn't want to think about it, and I went through a brief moment of fantasies where I smashed their heads together into a bloody mess, overall I didn't want to be her. I don't want to be in that position again.

I sometimes miss the good parts of our relationship, but sometimes I think a lot of the good parts where only good because I was looking at them with my eyes closed.

I was doing so well and this set me off a bit, but as my best friend said, it's just a hiccup, not a step back. I have amazing friends who have commented on how far I've come with this breakup, and when I think about where I was a year and a half ago and where I am now, fuck damn it I have a thousand and four reasons to be proud of who I am.

I don't usually like inspiration, motivational bullshit, but my picture today is going to be of text, I'm sorry. A friend sent it to me in regards to this situation, and it really struck a deep cord with me, especially the last sentence. I think it wraps up this chapter of my life quite nicely.

Kit xx