Pornstar without a cause.

This entry, is about a porn.

I generally don't get off on heterosexual porn. Maybe it's because it's not much of a fantasy watching a guy pound a girl. I prefer to watch lesbian porn- thinking about eating another girl out is a huge turn-on for me, and I suppose because I have less experience with girls, it's more of a fantasy.

I also sometimes watch gay porn. I prefer it to straight anal porn, because the guy's are louder, and there's something about watching a guy's ass being rimmed, fingered and fucked that turns me on. I don't know if there's some kind of power play that I like, seeing guys in a submissive position with other men, but I like it.

Anyway, what spurred on this entry is my discovery of one specific, male, pornstar with whom I have completely and entirely become smitten. I came across him in a lot of S&M videos that I'd come across, and then saw him in a video with four other girls and did some research to find out who he is. Turns out he's pretty darn famous, in fact I'm sure you will have heard of James Deen. He's extremely popular with women, which in the porn industry says a lot, because not that many women seem to admit to watching porn. Not in comparison to men, anyway.

So here are the reasons that I, a girl who doesn't generally like watching men in straight porn, cum at the drop of a hat when watching James Deen perform:

*He is believable. Watching him, I get the feeling that he genuinely appreciates the women he is with. Even when he is punish-fucking someone, he will stil gently guide them into position and look them in the eyes.

*He is natural. He whispers things into the girls ears, that aren't picked up by the camera, they are simply coming from him, to the girls.

*He is fucking sexy. He doesn't have the big, muscly, meathead look of a lot of male pornstars. He looks more like a popstar than a pornstar.

It's amazing watching James Deen strike this incredible balance between S&M master and sensitive lover, and even in more "vanilla" porn, he delivers a good, hard fuck that seems to be heartfelt. It sounds obvious, but this guy seems to genuinely enjoy his job, and tends to worship and respect the women he is working with. He is amazing to watch when he gives head, and he seems to observe every small movement of the bodies of the women he is with- taking extreme pleasure in watching them react to his touch and the things he whispers in their ears, and watching them with intense satisfaction as they orgasm, absorbing every small spasm and involuntary moan.

James Deen does a lot for straight porn, and I would give anything to be honoured enough to be fucked by him.

A little touch of fury.

Vent tiiiime!

I'm not going to go into all the details because I don't want to give away too much about anyone's lives, also still boiling over with a hell of a lot of anger, and I've spoken to my friends about it a lot, and I'm kind of over thinking about it, so I've been putting off this entry for a few days.

The ex. Ohhhh how you think you're OK, and then you can just be derailed.

Basically, I went to a funeral of someone in his family. And I just had a gut feeling he'd have a girlfriend by now, so I did some first class, 21st Century Facebook stalking (which I usually abstain from) and discovered that my gut feeling was true. I also had a feeling that he wouldn't have the courtesy to let me know ahead of time that she exists. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I was right.

THANK FUCK I did my research before going to this funeral. He was so gutless all he did was try and make little jokes with me but didn't even mention her. Then the poor girl had to come up and introduce herself to me, which was the respectful thing to do and I really appreciated it. And he tried to apologise for the "awkwardness" of the situation.

I am SO OVER his apologies. He always looks so genuinely upset that he's fucked up, and it's like- don't be such a fucking thoughtless dumbass in the first place and you won't have to feel bad!
I told him he was an idiot, and that I would have appreciated it if he'd told me ahead of time. Then when I left, I thanked his girlfriend in front of him for introducing herself to me. I'm hoping I made my point clear.

I am done with him. I keep looking back on things in our relationship, and every time he has hurt me it has been through inaction. He's an extremely avoidant person, and this is the last opportunity he's ever getting to affect me like this again.

I was angry at him, and I was angry at myself for still being able to be that angry at him.

I still need to process and work through a lot of this anger, a few things have resurfaced, but one thing I noticed was that I didn't feel that chemical pull to him anymore. Maybe it's because I had already decided I was furious with him before I got to the funeral, but when I saw him and hugged him and when he spoke to me, I didn't really want a bar of it.

When I looked at them together, as much as I didn't want to think about it, and I went through a brief moment of fantasies where I smashed their heads together into a bloody mess, overall I didn't want to be her. I don't want to be in that position again.

I sometimes miss the good parts of our relationship, but sometimes I think a lot of the good parts where only good because I was looking at them with my eyes closed.

I was doing so well and this set me off a bit, but as my best friend said, it's just a hiccup, not a step back. I have amazing friends who have commented on how far I've come with this breakup, and when I think about where I was a year and a half ago and where I am now, fuck damn it I have a thousand and four reasons to be proud of who I am.

I don't usually like inspiration, motivational bullshit, but my picture today is going to be of text, I'm sorry. A friend sent it to me in regards to this situation, and it really struck a deep cord with me, especially the last sentence. I think it wraps up this chapter of my life quite nicely.

Kit xx

So much to say.

It's about time I write this post!

It's a warm night and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor with a lit candle listening to Coldplay after painting my nails. Totally zen haha.

I have quite a lot to update on, so I think I'll divide this entry into sections.

THIRD BASE

I stayed over at the house of the girl I'd been seeing. Goes without saying, given her profession, that she had an awesome body. And really big boobs, they were fun to play with! But she had a nipple piercing in each side, and I found it strange, they looked great- but I just didn't know what to do with them!
Anyway, she went down on me for a good half hour, and behind her was a mirrored wall, so I just watched her gorgeous ass while she ate me out. It was such a huge turn on. However it was the "time of month" for her, so that was as far as it went, which frustrated me because I was so ready to pop my girl-cherry!
Anyway, after that night a few things happened, not major so I'll skim over them, but the general idea is that I don't think I should see her as more than a friend anymore, we are just not a good fit for one another's mental health.

So that's where that chapter ends, for now anyway.

HERE'S MY NUMBER

I went out with a group of friends and got preeeetty solidly plastered. It was one of those "I don't give a fuck" nights, I wasn't out to impress anyone or hoping for any action.

Those are always the times when things fall into your lap.

We were leaving one bar to go to a gay club, and walked past a guy who seemed pretty good looking. We had some drunken banter and left to get into my friend's car. As he was pulling out onto the road, I decided I wanted to give the guy my number, so my amazing bro-friend went around the block for me. In my mind I was all smooth talking and flirtatious, but in reality I probably stumbled over and shoved a crumpled bit of paper in his hand, breathing on him with my vodka breath.

Either way he called me straight up saying "this really sexy girl just gave me her number but I'm not sure if it's real". I was probably a major smart-ass, in my IDGAF mood that night, and he said he'd call me the next day. I thought yeahhh sure.

But he did!
He's gone overseas, but maybe I'll catch up with him when he's back.

And that's that.

CALL ME MAYBE

So that same night we moved onto the gay club. I was grinding like crazy with one of my guy friends, when this girl looked at me from across the dance floor, laughing.

She was stunning. Brown hair swept across her face, deep blue eyes shining out from beneath. A Bohemian, windswept look to her, with such adorable femininity. I had no doubt in my mind that this girl was straight- a "fag hag", if you'll pardon the expression.

But she seemed to be enjoying my ridiculous dance moves, and I was still not giving a flaming crap, so I extended my hand out to her and she joined me in a dance.

And this pretty little straight girl moved in closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Until I could see that this girl was no fag hag, but rather quite possibly the hottest lesbian in the country. And she had a British accent! We danced and talked and made out, and eventually she had to leave. I didn't think she'd be interested in anything more, and I almost sarcastically said "you can leave, but only when you've given me your number". It was then that I realised she already had her phone out.

Yada yada yada, and we ended up going on a few dates. She. Is. Awesome. We really get along, and she is as gorgeous when I'm sober. At least three of my friends have crushes on her.

Last week, she came out with my school friends, and ended up coming back to my place.

Yes, I popped my girl-cherry. I lost my lezginity.
And it was awesome.

I couldn't believe how much hotter she is without clothes. It's amazing. She is incredible. I wish I could paint a picture with my mind and project it onto the sky for all the world to see. This level of beauty should not be kept a secret.

Dear God.

Believe it or not I'm a pretty awkward person, so when we got to my room I said "I can give you some pyjamas if you want". She replied with "only if you're offended by me being in my underwear", and stripped down to bra and underpants. Then she crawled into bed next to me.

She has the softest, perkiest breasts. And got so incredibly wet.

It's funny, you think you know all about your gender and your body, but there's so much to learn just by being on the other side!
I had no idea we get that wet! And feeling her cum was absolutely incredible! Her entire body shook, and with my fingers inside her I could feel her pulsing. She cums so easily, it's incredible.

She got me closer than I have ever been with anyone (other than when I have actually cum, of course), and it was only when I realised I was about to cum that I tensed up and didn't. I think if I work on relaxing she will actually be able to bring me to orgasm.

I made her cum once by going down on her, then once again with my fingers, and again in the morning.

I haven't seen her since because we've both been studying, but I will see her again. She's so gorgeous.

She goes back to London in exactly a month, which fucking blows, but I'm just going to enjoy my time with her while I have her here.

She's beautiful.

TRICK OR TREAT

And lastly, Halloween- I got myself some action on Wednesday and Thursday nights, although Thursday wasn't really action, and barely deserves a mention. In fact all it was was a drunken make-out with a 20 year old guy in his car, but he wouldn't sleep with me because my eyes were scary (I had in Halloween contacts), so I went home. Hahaha.

But Wednesday, I went to a friend's party, and again had no intention of picking up, I'd only just slept with my English girl on Monday, anyway!

Long story short, apartment party in the city ended up being relocated to a rooftop further up the road. Such a warm, gorgeous night.

The guy whose rooftop it was and I got talking. He was interesting, and somehow managed to talk me into bed without even kissing me. It was so strange! We spoke for ages, and I got cold so he put his arm around me, and it became quite clear we were into one another. We were interrupted and ended up merging into the group, but he asked me to sit next to him on the couch, and put his arm around me. We kept talking, and he asked me to go downstairs. I had a friend with me who was staying at my place, so I told him I couldn't. But we were both so incredibly frustrated, and there was such a tension between us.

So I told my friend to wait, and went downstairs. I told him this was weird, because we hadn't even kissed, what if there's no chemistry. So he kissed me in the hallway, and thank God it was good!

He took me to his room on the 9th floor, with a huge window and a view of the city. It was good sex- relaxed, fun, friendly. He was good with his hands and tongue. He wouldn't let me touch him, which was interesting, but we'd already had a discussion upstairs about how he doesn't like receiving head (mind blown) for various reasons I didn't agree with... Anyway, so that didn't surprise me.

I was worried he'd be the "making love" type, but after a lot of foreplay and some gentle sex, he softly flipped me over, pulled my hair, and fucked me from behind. It was just what I needed.

He was the funniest guy in the world afterwards- I've never seen anyone so excited to have just had sex! He was all "wooo, yeahhh! yeahhhh!!!". It was HILARIOUS! I think we high-fived about three times. And he didn't want to wipe my makeup off his face.

He asked me how he compares to a girl. My answer was that the girl I was with Monday gave the best head I had ever received. But girls can't throw you down and fuck you.

Sometimes I just need to be pounded.

Getting closer to crossing some things off.

A couple of developments.

I have a feeling I had three stories to tell, but right now I can only think of two...

There is a girl I work with who is incredibly sexy, and there has always been a flirtatious chemistry between us, but as far as I know, she is straight.

However, a while ago I brought one of my exes to a work party (purely as a friend). He picked up on the chemistry and half-jokingly told her to kiss me. She grabbed my face and planted a soft kiss on my lips, but that was all. I thought nothing of it.

Then, a few weeks ago, at yet another work party, she kept coming up and grinding on me as we danced. Again, I thought nothing of it, she's a very sexual person and girls grind all the time, right?

Right, until she comes up behind me, puts her arms around my waist, and begins to grind me from behind. She then grabs my hand and brings it around to her ass. Her hand is on top of mine, and she is squeezing it down onto her ass, so I take to liberty to begin feeling her up as she grinds against me.

Eventually, I turn around to face her, and in a heated moment, we kiss. So passionately, so intensely. It was as if the whole time we've known each other we'd been building up to this moment, and it got to a point where we could not wait any longer. In front of all our work friends, we made out on the dance floor, and it was quite possibly the hottest kiss I have ever experienced.

And that was that. To this point I still can't figure out what it meant to her, or what she wants. But if I get the chance to go further with her, believe me I will.

Story number two, and I believe you'll like this one! I've been on three very successful dates... with a gorgeous, busty... stripper!

She is a total fireball, and we get along so well! The first time we went out she asked me back to her place, but I chickened out- I'm a virgin again, and I got massive stage-fright! The last time I saw her she also tried to get me to go back to her house, but it's hard being single and living at home, especially seeing that my parents don't know I'm bi yet. So I promised that next time we meet up, I would have an alibi.

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that hopefully by my next post, I will have lost my les-ginity!
She's gorgeous, and a total fox, I have a feeling the chemistry in the bedroom will be pretty phenomenal.

Last time we went out we ended up in a bar with a small room with nothing but couches and low lighting. We were the only ones in there, and we had to leave eventually because it just got too heated, we were like two high school girls, we just couldn't keep our hands off one another.

And my third story, which I know remember, and don't understand how I forgot it- talking to this girl about stripping, which I've considered in the past (as I believe most girls do at some point) but never looked into because I had all these preconceptions about it... I've realised that all the impressions I've had were in fact quite wrong. She loves her job, and she strips because she feels confident in her body, not because something is missing in her life. It also seems easier than I thought to stay out of the dark side of the industry, like the sex for money, and the drugs, and the amount of money she makes is completely unbelievable....

So, and I'm sure you can guess what I'm about to say- I have an interview at a strip club on Tuesday! I wasn't going to do it until I started getting fitter, but a friend at work said she wants to do it with me, and looked up a place that's recruiting, so we're going to go together to have a look! It will be interesting to check out, even just to see what it's like. They have so many perks, the girls get free food and a hairdresser and masseuse and solarium, it's insane! But it's a rather high end club so I don't know if I'll get a job, but it will at least be interesting to look into!

I have a feeling I might find it fun, but it also may not be for me, so I'll just suss it out and see... I am very unfit though so we'll so how I go.

My friends have all been very supportive though and most have said they'd considered it, and I was so surprised this work friend wanted to come along with me!
So I'm excited, even if it just turns out to be a fun story and experience.

That's all for now, I will keep you posted on Tuesday, and on my next date, which should hopefully end in some lady loving! :D

Updating the bucket list.

So I've managed to cross off webcam sex off my Single Bucket List, and I also have a new addition.

I decided that webcam sex might be a good way to relax me and help me get to a point where I can allow someone else to bring me to orgasm eventually. So I asked a friend who lives overseas if he'd watch me. It was a lot of fun, and totally exhilarating. Very nerve-wracking, but he and I have always had a strong chemical connection, and have been exchanging photos and dirty talk for almost a year now.

Unfortunately the internet connection cut out, so I didn't orgasm while he watched, but I kept going and recorded it for him, and came while recording myself, which I've never been relaxed enough to do before, so I figure it was a step in the right direction. :)

With that one crossed off, another ambition takes its place.

Tonight was the warmest night we've had in a long time here, bearing in mind it's still winter. I went for a long walk by the riverside in the city, and as my mind wandered I decided I want to make myself cum in public.

So I'm adding this to my list.

On a warm night, I'm going to wear a skirt, walk down to the riverside, take off my underwear, cover my legs with a jacket just in case anyone walks by too closely, and fuck myself with my vibrator until I cum.

I'm actually getting really wet just thinking about it, I can't wait until the weather is warmer! Someone asked me the other night where the most interesting place I've had sex is, and other than the back room of my old workplace I couldn't really think of anywhere. So that got me thinking that I'd like to be more adventurous with the places I have sex, the idea of being semi-public really turns me on. And since I don't have a regular sexual partner at the moment, I figure I might as well get the ball rolling by myself!
I think it's a brave and exciting thing to do, and totally fucking hot.

So this brings the current items on my list to:

-Have sex with a woman

-Have a threesome

-Work on becoming relaxed enough to allow others to bring me to orgasm

-Work on being content being by myself and not feeling the need to be in a couple

-Videotape myself having sex

-Make myself cum outdoors in the city

Lastly, I just wanted to tell a story of a guy I slept with about three years ago, just before I met my ex. I was reminiscing before.

I used to take one-on-one singing lessons. I was quite good if I may say so, in fact my singing teacher was always using me as an example to other students.

There was a boy whose class always overlapped with mine. Our teacher would always call me into the room when he had a few minutes left to go, in order to ask me to give him some demonstrations of how I did things.

I was always incredibly attracted to him- he had a cool demeanour, an air of nonchalance that was incredibly alluring. His blonde hair was casually swept across his face.

Turns out he had done quite a lot of work in a popular New Zealand TV show, which increased the appeal, too. Anyway, I'd only ever see him oh-so-briefly in class, and I never thought he looked at me twice.

Then one night, after I got back from three months travelling overseas, I was out drunk at a club, and stumbled into him. He picked me up in his arms and spun me around, drunk as I was, maybe more. He admitted he'd always had a crush on me, and I couldn't believe my luck. We kissed like there was no tomorrow that night, and then I went home with my friends.

I ended up going on a date with him a week or so later. We went to a rooftop bar, and talked and laughed and got tipsy, and I went back to his place. He lived on the twenty-somethingth floor of an apartment in the city. He had a great big window where a wall should be, looking down onto a glistening nighttime Melbourne.

We had great sex, twice, and he left for Europe not long after.

I hope I can find someone fun and wild with whom to have some crazy, uninhibited times very soon.

I want to explore someone's body and personality, take risks and try new things.